TDS Time Machine | Independence Day

**SPEAKER_1** (0:01)
You're listening to Comedy Central.

**Jon Stewart** (0:08)
The 4th of July is fast approaching, and The Daily Show insists you have a happy and healthy celebration. Yesterday, we showed you the proper way to launch a bottle rocket from your hand. Now join us again. You remember that. Now join us again as we focus on the 4th.
Great news for John BBQ Public. A new study has come out which suggests eating red meat is just as healthy as eating fish or chicken. And you know it's true because the study was financed by the National Cattlemen's Beef Association. Interestingly, the same researchers found that health benefits multiplied when patients slept on meat beds, washed with meat soap, and generally stockpiled meat and meat products. The study claims at-risk patients who went on lean red meat diets had the same health benefits as those who ate lean white meat, provided, of course, the white meat was cooked in a butter cream sauce, coated in bacon, and served in a shell of congealed lard. So when picking your choice of meat off the grill this year, go for the piece that's lean and well trimmed, and hope you don't get the one your dog peed on before your dad picked it up off the ground when no one was looking. Come on, that's good sound advice, people. Continuing our focus on the fourth, because as you may know, The Daily Show is the exclusive sponsor of Summer. We recently sent Stephen Colbert down south, way down south, to make sure those folks were making the most of their lazy days.

**Ed Helms** (1:39)
Welcome to sweet, sleepy Pulaski, Tennessee. Birthplace of the KKK, and host of this year's 1997 European Culture and Crafts Festival. Starring America's sweetheart, the White Nights themselves, the Ku Klux Klan. It's racist fun for the whole family, with crafts, dancing and hate literature. I guess that makes them Aryan librarians. And what symbolizes rabid redneck rhetoric more than a clown?

**SPEAKER_5** (2:08)
My name is Candy, the Klan Clown.

**Ed Helms** (2:10)
And what's funny about the Klan?

**SPEAKER_6** (2:13)
Ah, there's not a lot really funny about it.

**SPEAKER_7** (2:15)
We're here to have a good time.

**Ed Helms** (2:18)
This is the parade route. In just a minute, over that hill, we'll see literally tens of people march for white pride. Off to the right here is the Confederate flag.

**SPEAKER_8** (2:29)
We have the Klan flag of the night.

**SPEAKER_9** (2:31)
That's the flag of Scotland.

**Ed Helms** (2:32)
The old flag of Germany.

**SPEAKER_10** (2:34)
The old Russian flag.

**Ed Helms** (2:35)
They may not like fags, but they love flags. Are you here for the white pride parade?

**SPEAKER_11** (2:41)
Oh, honey, no.

**SPEAKER_6** (2:42)
What is the white... the Ku Klux Klan?

**Ed Helms** (2:45)
The Ku Klux Klan, yes.

**SPEAKER_11** (2:46)
Oh, no.

**Ed Helms** (2:48)
Whose heart doesn't beat a little quicker when they see clansmen marching on a hot summer day? Do you have any local names for the Klan?

**SPEAKER_12** (2:55)
Well, we used to refer to them as the Sheet Heads.

**Ed Helms** (3:02)
I'm sorry.

**SPEAKER_8** (3:02)
One more time. Sheet Heads. I didn't know that.

**SPEAKER_9** (3:07)
Jew?

**Ed Helms** (3:08)
It's been a klan-tastic day, but it ain't over yet. When the sun goes down, it's time to party. It's been a great day. What's the exciting event tonight?

**SPEAKER_13** (3:18)
Well, for us, it's a cross-sliding, and we'll be having it in a few minutes.

**SPEAKER_8** (3:22)
Yeah. This feels right. Who can become a member?

**SPEAKER_13** (3:26)
A Christian. You have to be a Christian. You have to be a white.

**SPEAKER_8** (3:30)
What about homosexuals?

**SPEAKER_13** (3:32)
No.

**Ed Helms** (3:32)
What about hemophiliacs?

**SPEAKER_14** (3:35)
Animated characters?

**SPEAKER_13** (3:36)
It depends.

**Ed Helms** (3:37)
Mickey?

**SPEAKER_13** (3:38)
Good.

**Ed Helms** (3:39)
Donald?

**SPEAKER_13** (3:40)
Yes.

**Ed Helms** (3:41)
Goofy? No. Too goofy. No, there's nothing goofy about these guys.

**SPEAKER_8** (3:50)
Oh, there it is.

**SPEAKER_6** (3:55)
Good Lord, what a party.

**Ed Helms** (3:57)
Ain't no cure for the summertime blues. Then you've never been to a clan rally.

**Jon Stewart** (4:09)
The sight, the sight of beloved American symbols being attacked has become all too common in today's world. But shockingly, the battle against our iconography has now come to our very own shores. Ed Helms says more.

**Ed Helms** (4:23)
The American bald eagle has long stood as a symbol for truth, liberty and the back of money. But here in Homer, Alaska, the eagle is endangered because of how many there are. Oh my God, they're everywhere. Edgar Bailey, a biologist and Birding Magazine's only subscriber, actually wants to reduce the eagle population.