TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell

**SPEAKER_1** (0:00)
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**SPEAKER_2** (1:06)
There is so much NFL on ESPN right now.
Monday Night Football, plus pregame and postgame. NFL Live, NFL Primetime. Everything you need to stay on top of every game, every week.

**SPEAKER_3** (1:20)
Unbelievable.

**SPEAKER_2** (1:21)
And now, NFL Network is on the ESPN app. More football, more coverage, more ways to watch.
Football's on, all season long, on ESPN and streaming on the ESPN app.

**SPEAKER_4** (1:36)
You're listening to Comedy Central.

**Stephen Colbert** (1:54)
You just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass?

**Steve Carell** (2:05)
Is the death tax good for America?

**Stephen Colbert** (2:07)
Yes.

**Steve Carell** (2:08)
No.

**Stephen Colbert** (2:10)
Yesterday, I was beside myself with joy. Over last week's vote by the Senate to retain the death tax. It's a big revenue generator that affects only the nation's wealthiest 1 percent. It sends a powerful social message that even the children of the very rich must make their own way in the world. But more than that, in the same way that taxes on smoking, discourage smoking and taxes on drinking, discourage drinking, hopefully this death tax will keep people from dying. It is a filthy habit and it has to stop. But I suppose you and your fat cat friends in Washington won't be happy till everybody's dead. Steve, the death tax is inherently unfair. It taxes the same money twice. Once when you earn it and once more after you die. It goes against everything Americans hold dear. Money, the point is, it's not the dead who are going to suffer, unless of course they've been sinful. Then they'll burn forever in a lake of fire. It is the living, rather, the children of the insanely wealthy who will suffer by being rendered merely sanely wealthy. But tax away, comrade Carell-o-vich. A grateful motherland salutes you. Wow, you are taking this so personally, Stephen. You'd think this was a tax on pompous windbags who make me sick, you fat ass.
Steve, let me give you a hypothetical example of someone who would be directly hurt by your regressive tax. Now, this person is not rich, but this person married someone because her father is, hypothetically. Now, this rich old bastard, whose daughter, by the way, has a face like a Hieronymus Bosch nightmare, was barely functioning when this person married her. I'm talking catheters, iron lung, beep, beep, beep. But against all rational expectations, he's hung on for seven years. It's like he's staying alive out of spite. You're saying when that shriveled husk finally kicks, the government should get more than half of what's rightfully the person in my examples?
Well, for now, under current law, the tax is scheduled to expire in 2010 The person in my example can't wait that long. All the nagging and the carping, I swear the person in my example is just going to lose it.
I'm sorry, I just get so upset when I think about the person in my example.
Well, you know, Stephen, sometimes the people in hypothetical examples just die.

**Steve Carell** (4:43)
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

**Steve Carell** (4:44)
No, no, no, you're not listening to me.

**Stephen Colbert** (4:47)
Sometimes, the people, hypothetical examples.

**Steve Carell** (4:53)
Just... Imaginary nurses can be bribed. Accidents can be postulated to have happened.
Now, let's further speculate that an opportunistic... My associate was willing for, say, a million dollars.

**Stephen Colbert** (5:21)
Eight.

**Steve Carell** (5:22)
Seven. Seven-fifty.

**Stephen Colbert** (5:23)
Done.

**Steve Carell** (5:24)
To facilitate this, shall we say, early retirement, what would the person in your example say to the person in my example?

**Stephen Colbert** (5:32)
I think he'd say, let's do it. Oh, but the person in my example still has to pay the damn death tax.