TDS Time Machine | Daily Showographies - Mark Zuckerberg, Stephen Miller, Joe Rogan and More

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You're listening to Comedy Central.

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It's been a tough few weeks for meta-CEO Mark Zuckerberg. He had to lay off thousands of employees while everyone was making fun of his super yacht. But what keeps him going through these hardships? Let's find out in a brand new Daily Showography.

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From the moment we're born, we're all trying to define ourselves, who our friends are, what we believe in, which side is our good side. But what if you have no beliefs, no friends, and no good side? This is the Daily Showography of Mark Zuckerberg, human status update.

Even before he was out of beta, Mark Zuckerberg had amassed numerous adorable photos that would make his profile seem less like a sociopath. By the age of 12, he displayed a gift for computer programing, the skill that took him to Harvard University, that revered bastion of high achieving lonely boys, and he could not have been happier.

Mark Zuckerberg (2:13)

Yay.

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What?

Mark Zuckerberg (2:15)

I got accepted.

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Are you serious?

Mark Zuckerberg (2:17)

Yeah.

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All right. Yes.

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It was at Harvard in 2004 that Mark would create the Facebook.

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This was in your dorm room?

Mark Zuckerberg (2:29)

Yeah.

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You launch Facebook in your dorm room?

Mark Zuckerberg (2:33)

Yeah.

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The website was an instant smash. For reasons even Mark sometimes didn't seem to understand.

Mark Zuckerberg (2:39)

There's this feature called poking, where you just go to someone's profile and you could poke the person. Like, what does that do? Nothing. I mean, it's like I thought about it when I was drunk.

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While his DMs calling his fellow students dumb f**ks for trusting him with their data wouldn't come out until years later, Facebook's rise wasn't without controversy, a drama immortalized in the social network. And rather than recap this period, let's just watch it real quick.

Those army hammers are going to be working forever. Like all Hollywood stories, some details were exaggerated. Mark wasn't as cool as the movie made him seem.

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Did I adequately answer your condescending question?

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But he also wasn't as lame either.

Mark Zuckerberg (3:24)

That stupid movie. The whole narrative arc around my motivations, it's like I'm somehow motivated by trying to find a girlfriend. It's like I was dating Priscilla before I started Facebook.

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Yes, the media spotlight forced Zuckerberg to bravely confess the truth, that he totally boned in college. But after the movie, Zuckerberg realized that he needed a more adult update to his public profile, something manly.

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The 27-year-old founder of Facebook now says he is only going to eat meat from animals, but he personally kills.

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Revealed, of course, in a posting on Facebook that said, I just killed a pig and a goat.

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Zuckerberg was upgrading everything. He learned Chinese. He tried his hand at comedy.

Mark Zuckerberg (4:09)

Come on, I invented poking.

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He got new friends and a new wardrobe.

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My name is Barack Obama and I'm the guy who got Mark to wear a jacket and tie.

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And he updated his relationship status, marrying the girl he was totally hooking up with in college no matter what that stupid movie said.

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You're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. That won't be true.

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It'll be because you're an asshole.

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Who's the asshole now, girl that doesn't exist?

But Zuckerberg's biggest update was changing from a guy who builds companies to a guy who buys them because you can't put a price on success until you can. No longer the college kid who just wanted to take personal data from dumb, Zuckerberg assured the public that the new mature Facebook would be a force for good in the world.