Kathy Griffin and Complimentary Happy Endings

Trixie Mattel (0:05)

Now, you need no introduction, but they did type something up, so I'm gonna say it.

Kathy Griffin (0:08)

Freed, I wanna hear the whole thing and sell it, really sell it.

Trixie Mattel (0:11)

Okay, today's very special co-host is a two-time Emmy Award winner, a New York Times best-selling author, your gay best friend's favorite comedian, the incomparable Kathy Griffin.

Kathy Griffin (0:22)

Oh my God, I can't believe you booked her. I can't believe it. That is a get.

Trixie Mattel (0:26)

It's just great, I mean, the best thing about Kathy not being here is all the genuine celebrities are filing in.

Kathy Griffin (0:32)

For real.

Trixie Mattel (0:33)

And you look gorgeous on her background. I mean, I'm sorry about that's her stuff. I don't, I'm that's-

Kathy Griffin (0:37)

I've had work done to not look like this. I'm sorry.

Trixie Mattel (0:40)

I know, I'm sorry. That's not supposed to be, I know you have all these creatures.

Kathy Griffin (0:43)

I might still have some swelling, but I'm not owning up to this. Those are not pictures of me, world.

Trixie Mattel (0:48)

You know, when you, cause you've had three facelifts, right?

Kathy Griffin (0:51)

Three. I had my third, I'm 65, my third facelift.

Trixie Mattel (0:55)

Third, this is my favorite of the three.

Kathy Griffin (0:58)

I think it's the best one.

And I'm being bold about it because I'm not the doctor. I can't take credit, nor do I have a paid spokesperson deal with him. But I do think he's really amazing. Now, I don't know if you heard, I could not afford the Chris Jenner guy because he's a million a face.

Trixie Mattel (1:18)

A million dollars?

Kathy Griffin (1:21)

And I don't, well, I know you don't have that kind of money, but even I can come close to not having that money.

Trixie Mattel (1:29)

A million? You better wake up looking 12 years old.

Kathy Griffin (1:32)

And get in the hand job. Thank you. I wanna wake up getting fisted and videotaping and all kinds of stuff.

Trixie Mattel (1:38)

There are doctors like that too. Those people I can hook you up with.

Kathy Griffin (1:41)

Oh, people with HIPAA.

Trixie Mattel (1:42)

There's dentists too.

Kathy Griffin (1:42)

Good old HIPAA.

Trixie Mattel (1:43)

Now, you said before we started that you want me to try to connect you to a gay, no, a straight male escort.

Kathy Griffin (1:50)

Yeah, first of all, why don't you take the judgment down to about 17 fucking levels? Because you should talk. Second of all, there was a show on Showtime years ago. Showtime was a TV channel. I remember Showtime. And it was called Angels for Cowboys. But the show was actually called Hustlers? No.

Jiggalos. Okay, the show was Jiggalos. And it was straight guys that are male, what we used to call prostitutes, for straight women. So nobody's bisexual. Nobody's banging, you know, the chick doesn't want to bring a chicken, you know. And the prices started $750 for one hour. Now I would get the package for $14.50. That's two hours. No, that's four hours. So you can have a little more time to like get a little more nasty because at first maybe you're shy. And so I would be what's called a John.

So I don't know if you watched any 70s exploitation films. I know about Johns. I would be a John.

Trixie Mattel (2:53)

Or a Jean.

Kathy Griffin (2:54)

Fine.

Trixie Mattel (2:55)

Sure.

Kathy Griffin (2:55)

Get the job done. And I think you can come out like when you're a girl, I think you can come out and say, would you be willing to go down on me? That would be amazing. And they just, I think they say yes.

Trixie Mattel (3:06)

Have you, I think.

Kathy Griffin (3:08)

Not that I don't like the other stuff. Right. But some guys are, we're both genders are weird about that.

Trixie Mattel (3:13)

Would you feel, would you feel, I always, I always, okay, I've never had, I've never been with a prostitute.

Kathy Griffin (3:19)

Hold on. Did you hear that Freudian slip?

Trixie Mattel (3:21)

I've never been a prostitute.

Kathy Griffin (3:22)

Or had enough fun in my life. I did not have sexual relations.

Trixie Mattel (3:27)

All right. Just three. I've only been with three at once.

Kathy Griffin (3:29)

Okay.

Trixie Mattel (3:29)

But I feel like I would take me out of it to think like, are they, are they fucking me? And then looking at me, my head looks like a bag of money.

Kathy Griffin (3:36)