502 - Celebrating 250 Years: A Very Special Episode

**Tim Dillon** (0:00)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Tim Dillon. Happy Fourth of July. It is America's birthday. I think it's 250 years that we've been doing this thing, and we're still doing it. And if you say nothing else, that's something. It is. We're still doing it. Are we going strong? Who's to say? But we're still doing it. People are still into it. And it's the feeling of like when you're young, you're a comedian, an actor, a musician, and you haven't succeeded on any level yet, your relatives, when you go to a Thanksgiving or a Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, whatever you do, your relatives will go, you're still doing that? Still doing that? Still doing that comedy thing? You still doing music every now and then? And that's their way of saying, huh, interesting. And that's kind of, this is 4th of July. Still doing that? America? Still doing that? Okay, interesting. Hmm. But we are, and we're goddamn proud of it. I'm proud of things about, you know, about this country that other people aren't proud of. I, you know, I think we all have to find things about the country that we like that aren't things that other people would even associate with good.
Like the way when a fast food drive-thru line moves, when it moves and it doesn't look like it's gonna move, when you get in it and you go, oh fuck, and then it starts moving, that's good. That's something that you can look at and say, hey, that's like a really good thing. You know, when you see an old friend somewhere and they look haggard and you feel a responsibility to reconnect with them in a meaningful way, and then you remember you live in America, and this includes cousins, brothers and sisters, by the way. It's anyone you've ever known. When you see them and they don't look great and their life is in some kind of crisis and there's a little bit of you that goes, I should care about this person and help them because you live in America and you're able to just get back in your car and drive away, that's good. That's good. You should look at that and go, that's maybe harder to do in other places where people live in small little towns and villages and you see people a lot and you feel some shared responsibility for them. But here in America, you can get in your car and drive 100 miles away from a family member or a friend in crisis who needs you. That's good. Someone needs you. No one needs you like you need you in America. Don't forget that. As much as you want to help people, and as much they will only resent you for it because it is America. In another country, they might go, thank you for this help. I will forever tell the tale of your generosity and charity. But in America, they will resent you for helping them. So you're freed of that responsibility. Get back in your car, drive away. And that's good. That's an American value. An American value is seeing someone in need and leaving. Not because you don't want to help them, but because you realize it's not going to do anything. It won't even, it's not going to do anything.
You get someone a job, you stick your neck out, you go, they've fallen on hard times, they need a job. What happens two months from now? Someone calls you and goes, why did you saddle me with this loser?
Why have you destroyed my life with this fucking zero? So what you have to do is I know you want to help. It is a deeply human instinct, but there's another instinct and it's America. America comes into play and goes, don't meddle, don't get involved, mind your own business, get in the car, put the music on. Don't help anyone, not even your children.
Your children need help? Fuck them. They got to figure it out.
The only person you should help in this country is someone you're having an affair with because they have leverage on you and they may tell your wife. If they tell your wife your whole fucking life ends, help them, get them a job, get them an apartment. But random acts of kindness in America are anti-American. They're anti-American. Some people might disagree with me, but it is fully anti-American to randomly choose to help people that you don't know or even worse that you know.
You have to just fight that urge. When the Palisades fire happened, a lot of people went to volunteer. I didn't. I didn't. I thought I should, but then I realized I'm not helping. I'm not helping. And all those people volunteering, what are they even doing? You're handing out bottles of water and taking photos of themselves doing it. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. So that's something that's good. That you are free in this country to pursue your own path, your own dreams. It doesn't matter if you're good at the thing you want to do. It's America. Force it down people's throats.