Why You’re Making Oral Sex Harder Than It Needs to Be

Emily Morse (0:00)

One question I'm asked all the time is, Emily, what products do you actually recommend? And that's exactly why we created Shop Sex With Emily.

Every product in the shop is something my team and I personally researched and tested or recommended because we genuinely believe it can help you have better sex, stronger intimacy, and just more confidence in the bedroom. Whether you're shopping for yourself, your partner, or both of you, we've made it easy to find products that actually work. Head to shopsexwithemily.com and discover your next favorite bedroom essential.

Involve your hands with the blowjob itself. We all should do that. Blowjobs are not just meant to be about our mouth. Our hands are a great accessory in any oral sex experience. You don't have to fit the whole thing inside of your mouth for it to be pleasurable. Your tongue can lick, your hands can stroke, you can suck on the tip, you can lick the balls, you can move around and pay attention to what feels good. Hey, everyone, welcome to Sex With Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morse, and my mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Whether you're looking to improve your relationships, have better communication, explore your desires, or simply have your best sex ever, you are in the right place. Before we jump in, make sure you're following me everywhere. It's at Sex With Emily on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook. For even more sex and relationship advice and more resources, go to sexwithemily.com. Sign up for my free weekly newsletter. I hear I give really good newsletter. Shop my curated sexual wellness products and picks at shopsexwithemily.com and explore hundreds of articles, download free guides, and everything you need to have the best sex ever. And one more thing, I'm taking Sex With Emily on the road. My new live show, The Best Sex Ever Tour, is coming to cities across the country. It's basically live coaching meets comedy meets audience Q&A, and we are getting into it. There has been magic happening in these rooms. You just have to come experience it. There's real conversations about sex and dating and relationships, and we become very close by the end of the night. Visit sexwithemily.com/events for dates and tickets. And thanks for listening or watching and for being here. And thanks for prioritizing your pleasure. So let's 69 It's one of those sex acts where you tend to be a full on lover or hater. But no matter what camp you fall in, chances are that if you're having sex, you're going to come across the famous, the controversial 69 sex position. So why not learn some pointers to make the whole thing more hot and more comfortable? First, I share research with you that might motivate you to put 69 on regular rotation in your sex life. Next, I give you techniques for being an excellent oral giver and strategies like mindful masturbation to help you become a more relaxed and erotic receiver. Finally, I talk position tips like the sideways 69 and the power 69 for you to play with and take all your pressing questions on 69ing and oral sex. Now, a lot of you write in asking me about oral sex and different ways to go about making oral sex a more pleasurable, enjoyable experience. And that includes 69ing. So, if 69ing is a fantasy you've been wanting to try, or if you had trouble with it in the past, not to worry, I'm going to break it all down for you in this episode. I'm also going to answer some of your general oral sex questions, all right? So, let's get into it. So, one of the studies I cite in my book, SMART SEX, it analyzed data from 884 heterosexual couples about their general happiness, their self-reported mental health, and their sexual practices.

Guess what they found? Both giving and receiving oral sex was positively correlated with feelings of happiness. In fact, people got the biggest bump in happiness from giving rather than receiving. How about that?

They were satisfied. But what about giving and receiving simultaneously? Now that's what 69ing is all about. Which to be honest, I was never a huge fan of 69 until I learned to modify it, which I'll get into. I always felt, well, either I'm giving and I'm fully in, or I'm receiving and I'm fully in, but jumping back and forth between giving and receiving just seemed like a hassle I did not need in the bedroom. Now the 69 position is somewhat controversial, either love it or you hate it, I found out. People who are huge fans of 69ing, like how you get pleasure from both giving and receiving oral sex, it definitely spices up the oral sex routine because there's novelty and variety, which are two key factors in spicing things up, feeling interested in your partner more so than not. And it's often just one of those positions that's on people's sex bucket lists. So here's what the haters will say, I don't know if they're haters, but they just prefer not to do 69 They say it's awkward physically. You can't really experience the full pleasure of either giving or receiving since you can't give your full attention to one. That's where I was at. I was like, I cannot do both of these things. Ambisexual. But in this episode, my goal is to give you all the pointers you need to figure out whether 69 needs something to add to your sexual repertoire or maybe just try it once. And I'm all down with like, if you have had a bad experience with it in the past, you have these preconceived notions about it not being right for you, why not try it again armed with knowledge? The first aspect of 69 is your role as the giver. Now we've done some great in-depth episodes on performing oral sex on a vulva and a penis, which you should definitely check out. But if you have any hangups around giving, it's unsanitary, probably not a great idea to put my mouth on someone's genitals, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know if I like it, all the things. This might help you. Genitals are just another part of someone you are intimate with. It's another way to give them pleasure and to make them feel good. Kissing their penis is kind of like kissing their arm, except for it feels 10 times better and it has less of a stigma around it. Oral sex feels the best when you start slow and build up. Now remember that. You don't want to go right for the genitals anyway, because it takes a while to warm up. So remember to kiss all around their thighs, lick the labia, kiss their testicles, really, really take your time to explore and slow down. You could lick, you could suck, you could twirl your tongue around in circles to hit a lot of different nerve endings, especially when 69ing. Think about it this way. It's more about generally stimulating your partner's genitals, so you don't need to dive right into your usual patterns and rhythms right away. Here I am giving oral sex and all I can do is like give oral sex in this very specific way because it's right in front of my face. You still don't have to use your mouth the whole time. In fact, another one of the ways I've learned to enjoy 69 is realizing that I can use my hands, I can use my feet, I can use a toy, I can take a break, I can go back and forth between my mouth and my hands and other parts of my body. So just know it's not just like I am doing oral sex now and this is all I have to do. Okay, remember that. Whoever said oral sex needs to be hands-free and all about the mouth? Nope, especially when 69ing your hands will be incredible aids to you. In fact, there have been times where I'm like, I really like the feeling of my partner going down to me and me going down and then with my mouth right now is going to be too much work for me because I can't really receive pleasure in that moment. So I'll just use my hand with a lot of lube. Sometimes the angle isn't right or your partner moves around. So just make sure you have your hand on them. Now this is perfect. This is not set in stone. Like this is how 69 happens and this is how penetration happens. I just want to give you guys permission to kind of get outside your comfort zone and just see what feels right in the moment. Or maybe you just need a break or you want to focus on a few moments of receiving. That's okay too. Just because you're in this mutual 69 collab doesn't mean you can't say for a moment, wow, this feels really good. I'm just going to take a moment and receive. Speaking of receiving, a lot of you tell me that you have a difficult time experiencing pleasure while receiving oral sex. I also cover this a lot in my book because I realized that's one of the big positions. A lot of you say, you know, it's really hard for me to relax. How do I know that my partner really wants to be there? How do I taste? How do I smell? Is it taking me too long? So it's important to learn to feel comfortable just receiving, especially before you try to give and receive it in a position like 69 So maybe next time your partner's going down and you can start to kind of practice just sort of settling in, breathing, paying attention to what you're feeling. I'm like, most things in the bedroom, I do think it's important to feel very confident in your solo sex practice before engaging fully in partnered sex. It's just always a way to say, I know what my body does. I know how my body responds to pleasure. This is why I need to feel good. So it's just a great learning tool. Now listen, if receiving oral sex is less pleasurable for you, try some mindful masturbation to get over this hurdle. Try this. While masturbating, imagine your partner going down on you. Imagine you completely relinquishing, wholly receiving, and think, what does it feel like? What feels good to you? Where would you tell your partner to target and to move? And can you kind of picture that in your mind? Do you want it faster? Do you want it slower? And then imagine yourself communicating these things to a partner and just overall feeling comfortable with the idea of someone between your legs. This is a great visualization process and might just turn you on more than you thought. And by the way, this is just one of my many tips for mind book SMART SEX. So once you start to feel comfortable with the idea of receiving oral sex, you can start moving that into your real relationship. And remember this, the goal is not necessarily to have an orgasm.