Why Being Right Is Costing You Trust | A Bit of Optimism: Feelings at Work | PART 4

**Simon Sinek** (0:00)
I think an apology is the highest form of accountability.

**Alex Simon** (0:02)
I teach a lot of workshops, and I decided to teach one on apologizing. We had a photographer that day. He was just supposed to be taking pictures of the workshop. I say something like, Oh, does anyone have anything they want to say? And he raises his hand, and he's like, I had no idea.
I had no idea that I needed to learn how to apologize. But apologies are the tip of an iceberg that I just, I didn't know how big this iceberg was. And I really think this is going to change my whole marriage. It's one of these things that almost no one thinks that they need to work on.

**Simon Sinek** (0:27)
I think we all think we know how to do it.

**Alex Simon** (0:29)
Yeah.

**Simon Sinek** (0:29)
Because we've done it.
Okay. Hot take. If you want a really quick and easy way to make my blood boil, the next time I sincerely share how I feel because of something you said or did, say, I'm sorry you feel that way. This is on the top of my list of non-apologies or deflections that so many people offer when confronted with negative impact from their words or actions. No one wants to look dumb or bad or wrong.
No one wants to be told that we did something that caused pain to someone or did damage at work. And so we point fingers, offer excuses, and use words that take the spotlight off us. So let's start with our first accountability lesson. Let's all admit we have done one or all of these things. And that's okay. There are some very simple ways we can get comfortable with accountability and know how to express it in ways that strengthens trust. Instead of taking a summer hiatus, we're presenting a special five-episode series of A Bit of Optimism, to go deep on human skills, those things that help us connect, collaborate, and succeed in any human relationship. That's why I invited Alex Simon, founder of LifeShop, where she teaches emotional intelligence, to join me. And over these five episodes, we will tackle some of the messier human interactions, like having hard conversations, people-pleasing, listening, and giving feedback. And this one, taking accountability. Now, when you hear accountability, you may be thinking KPIs or scorecards. That's not what I'm talking about. This is about knowing how to confidently own it when we mess up. There are three big ideas we're going to explore in this episode. First, there's a reason our apologies don't land. And it's not because our intent was off, or the other person is unreasonable. It's because a lot of us are running software we installed when we were five years old, and we never updated. We discuss why accountability is so hard and how to reprogram our approach. Next, if you've ever sat in a meeting and watched someone present your idea as theirs, and then watched as that same person dodged responsibility when things went sideways, you're about to understand why.
We uncover why taking credit and blame actually come from the same place deep inside our psyche, and how we can resolve it. And finally, we're going to talk about what a real apology actually does, not just for the person receiving it, but for the person giving it. And something happens in the middle of that discussion that I did not expect, and it changed the way I feel about saying sorry. And I'll add just one more thing. This episode actually comes with a warning, that by the end, you may have the urge to call someone about that thing that you've been trying to avoid owning up to. And if you enjoy this episode, also please remember to subscribe.
This is A Bit of Optimism.
Let's talk about a very difficult topic. A sensitive topic, dare I say.

**Alex Simon** (3:36)
Okay.

**Simon Sinek** (3:37)
Especially when it comes to something like saying sorry. It's amazing how people don't know how to do it. Yes. And how not knowing how to apologize or doing it in a way that you think is self-preserving actually can inflame a situation at worst and at best a damaged trust.

**Alex Simon** (3:55)
I really agree. And for me, the apology is kind of how I got started on all of this in my life.

**Simon Sinek** (4:02)
I did not know this. Saying sorry is your origin story?

**Alex Simon** (4:05)
It's my origin story. Because when I was growing up, I had a parent who I will not name which parent, just in case they both listen to this.

**Simon Sinek** (4:12)