What my politically divided family teaches me | Tami Pyfer

Elise Hu (0:03)

You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hu.

Tami Pyfer has decades under her belt as a civic leader and dialogue builder for democracy. She had to look no further than her own dining room for professional insight. It turns out Tami's family is her greatest area of political research.

Tami Pyfer (0:25)

I have five kids who belong to five political parties.

I have an independent, a Democrat, a Democratic Socialist, a Libertarian, and a Republican. And my husband and I have different political views as well.

Elise Hu (0:41)

Like so many of us, Tami's witnessed her fair share of contentious Thanksgiving dinners. So much so that she had to implement a no-sensitive topics rule at the table. But even with this new policy, it was impossible not to step on hot coals.

Tami realized the core of her family tension wasn't just disagreement, it was contempt. A feeling that the other person is operating in bad faith. In her mind, no productive conversations come from this place. But the solution isn't to attack contempt, it's to cultivate its opposite, dignity. In her talk, Tami explains what makes true dignity and why it may be the key to preserving democracy. That's coming up right after a short break.

And now, our TED Talk of the day.

Tami Pyfer (1:35)

When I was working as the Education Policy Advisor for the Governor of Utah, I was approached by a group of elementary school students who reached out asking for my help. These young entrepreneurs were learning how to create their own businesses, and they had decided to create a portrait business.

If you sent them a photo and six dollars, they would sketch your portrait. Well, I was it right. I was eager to support these students. And so I sent this photo of my oldest son.

Elise Hu (2:05)

Tami shows a black and white picture of her oldest son.

He has a serious look on his face as he looks downward to the left away from the camera. He's holding a guitar and standing against an elaborate tapestry.

Tami Pyfer (2:17)

He's a musician, and I've always thought that this picture really captured his personality. So I sent in my six dollars and waited.

This is what I got back.

Elise Hu (2:28)

Tami shows an image clearly hand drawn by children. The depiction of her son has a large round head with an etched in beard. His body looks disproportionately small compared to his head, and he blends into the tapestry behind him.

Tami Pyfer (2:42)

How fantastic is this, right? The blue beard, the whole vibe. My son loved this so much that it's hanging in his studio.

I loved it so much, I wanted them to draw me. So I sent this photo of my husband and me. We were out to dinner for my birthday. It's one of my favorite photos. For $6, this is what I got back.

Elise Hu (3:08)

Tami shows side by side images. The image to the left is a photograph of her and her husband at a restaurant. The image to the right is a hand drawn illustration of their faces squished together. They have big grins with two rows of oversized teeth. Tami's depiction has large round eyes that are darkly outlined. Her husband's eyes are two filled in dots.

Ouch.

Tami Pyfer (3:34)

It can be a little painful when you realize that the way you see yourself is dramatically, dramatically different from how other people see you. But that gap, that difference in perspective, can also be powerful. Because when we learn to see ourselves through a new lens, it can open a path to growth. And it just might be the key to strengthening democracy. A few years ago, my family was struggling, not because we didn't love each other, but because like a lot of families, our political differences had started to impact the way we interacted with each other. We're a politically diverse family. I have five kids who belong to five political parties.

I have an independent, a Democrat, a Democratic Socialist, a Libertarian, and a Republican. And my husband and I have different political views as well. He is an unaffiliated conservative, and I am a moderate Republican. We're basically our own focus group.

I've always considered raising kids with independent views a parenting win.

But during this time, it didn't feel like anyone was winning. Conversations got tense. Sometimes we argued, but mostly, we just avoided talking about anything that could stir controversy.

Our Thanksgiving dinners, we implemented the no-politics rule, but even then, an unguarded comment could break the truce. Slowly, I recognized something else coming into our conversations and our interactions. It was more than disagreement. It was more than conflict. It was contempt. Now, we're living in a culture of contempt. You see it everywhere, on social media, on cable news, on talk radio, and especially in politics. Contempt is this feeling that you're better than those people, that their views aren't just wrong, but dangerous. And they're not just mistaken, they're evil. And when contempt enters a conversation, everything changes. It changes the way we see each other. It erodes trust. It weakens relationships and divides communities. Over time, it damages democracy itself.