What is matrophobia, the fear of becoming like your mother?

Amber Minogue (0:04)

What is Matrophobia? The fear of becoming like your mother.

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For some people, their mother is someone they admire and hope to become more like. But for others, it's the complete opposite. They grow up telling themselves one thing, whatever happens, I'm not going to end up like my mum. For some, that feeling can become a real source of anxiety. Psychologists have a name for it, maptrophobia. So where does this fear come from? The term was introduced in the 1970s by American feminist writer and poet Adrienne Rich. She used it to describe the fear of repeating a mother's life. Our mothers are often our first role models, but sometimes they can become our first cautionary tale. Growing up with a mother who seemed constantly exhausted, self-sacrificing, emotionally unavailable, controlling, anxious or unhappy can leave a lasting impression. As a result, some girls develop a determination to build a completely different life for themselves. Does this only affect daughters? Generally, yes. Girls tend to identify more closely with their mothers than boys do. Matrophobia is more likely to develop when the boundaries between mother and daughter become blurred during childhood. Instead of seeing themselves as separate people, a daughter may feel she's expected to naturally become an extension of her mother.

Psychologist Helen Romano says these tensions often surface during adolescence when young people begin forming their own identities and can reappear later in adulthood, especially when a woman becomes a mother herself. Mothers can also, often without meaning to, pass on family expectations and social norms that shape how their daughters see themselves.

So are difficult mother-daughter relationships inevitable?

Not at all. Claire Richard, author of Forgiving Our Mothers, argues that while jokes about not wanting to become your mother are common, they often mask genuine emotional pain. But she also believes attitudes are changing, as ideas about motherhood, family and women's roles continue to evolve. So how do you break the cycle? Ironically, trying to become your mother's complete opposite can become its own trap. If your identity is built entirely around rejecting her, it can be difficult to work out who you actually are. Claire Richard argues that moving beyond matrophobia doesn't mean cutting ties with your mother or rejecting everything she represents, is about recognizing what you've inherited without feeling defined by it. After all, sharing some of your mother's personality traits doesn't mean you're destined to repeat her life. The real challenge is deciding, consciously, what you want to carry forward and what you're ready to leave behind. There you have it.

Now you know what Matrophobia is. In under three minutes, we answer your questions and help you understand the true meaning behind the trends, concepts and acronyms that are making headlines. Listen along and you really will know for sure.