Tom Cruise Pulled His Own Tooth Out w/ Rob Lowe

Bert Kreischer (0:00)

Hey, everyone, I'm excited to announce the first leg of my new 2027 US Stand Up Tour, Preposterous. I'll be going back to some of my favorite cities, so don't worry if you don't see yours. This is just the first leg. Get tickets starting this Wednesday, September 30th at 10 a.m. local time with the code word Tommy at tomsegura.com/tour.

Many more dates to come, including international dates. I hope to see you there.

Rob Lowe (0:32)

I'm just feasting my eyes on Skinny Man.

Bert Kreischer (0:39)

Can I tell you, I never, I thought I looked good when I was fat. I was like.

I was like, it's a big, hard fat. Everyone's like, I love a big guy. And I was never had any self-consciousness. And when I started losing weight, I started getting self-conscious of my body for the first time.

Rob Lowe (1:02)

That's hilarious.

Bert Kreischer (1:03)

I know.

Rob Lowe (1:04)

Like I look too good. I'm not sure if I should look this good.

Bert Kreischer (1:08)

No, you know how it started? One day I was looking at my stomach and I was like, wow, I've lost some weight. And then I looked up and I was like, I'm losing my hair.

And then I was like, I never noticed it because I'd only focused on the belly. Yeah, you were like, when you're fat, you look at whatever works and you're like, hair loss doesn't look that bad compared to the rest of it.

Rob Lowe (1:29)

That's a good point.

Bert Kreischer (1:30)

Yeah.

Rob Lowe (1:30)

I like, well, take off the hat. Let me judge the hair loss.

Bert Kreischer (1:33)

Not happening.

Rob Lowe (1:34)

No.

Bert Kreischer (1:34)

I just woke up in the, literally we pulled in from tour. You know what I said? I was like, I should have done this at your house.

We were right, we were in Paso Robles last night.

Rob Lowe (1:43)

No way.

Bert Kreischer (1:43)

Yeah.

Rob Lowe (1:44)

You were?

Bert Kreischer (1:44)

Yeah, we were in Paso Robles last night.

Rob Lowe (1:46)

Yeah, that's a good drive then.

Bert Kreischer (1:47)

Yeah, that's a...

Rob Lowe (1:48)

Do you sleep well on the bus?

Incredible. Right? Are you in the, like the coffin ones or are you in a big bed in the back?

Bert Kreischer (1:55)

I'm in a bed. This bus is the best bus I've ever had. And I loved my, my bus burned down, but this bus is a double slide out and it's set up like my old bus, but my area slides out. It's the best. It's a queen size bed.

Rob Lowe (2:12)

But wait, how do you do that when you, it slides out obviously you can't do that when you're moving. So can you sleep on the road when you're actually moving?

Bert Kreischer (2:19)

Oh, I sleep like a dream. And this bus is a little bigger than the average bus. So there's, it's a little smoother. And we have this driver. I hope my current driver doesn't hear this. We have this driver who was like, just so you know, I don't go over 60

And we were like, it takes forever to get places, but you're asleep, so it doesn't matter.

Rob Lowe (2:39)

Right.

Bert Kreischer (2:40)

And you never feel the bus moving. It is.

Rob Lowe (2:45)

Wow. That driver wouldn't last long with me. I have one, my driver would say, I have one rule. I like to like get places. Yeah. So I'm like, if I see anybody hauling a ladder past us, you're fired.

It just keeps it really simple. Like, you know exactly what I mean when I say that.

Bert Kreischer (3:07)

Yeah.

Rob Lowe (3:07)

Like you know exactly how fast to go. When I see a ladder passing me, fuck it.

Bert Kreischer (3:13)

How were you with teaching your kids how to drive?

Rob Lowe (3:15)

Not good.

I mean, I did it, but my one son, Matthew, I'm like, dude, you gotta calm down. My other son, Johnny, drives like an old lady. So I have both sides of the thing. But you know, you don't, that amazing hand-me-down parent to child thing of teaching how to drive in the parking lot is kind of gone because there's no manual cars anymore.

Bert Kreischer (3:42)

Yeah.

Rob Lowe (3:43)

I mean, you had to learn how to drive. Dude, I learned how to drive a stick.

Bert Kreischer (3:47)

Yeah.

Rob Lowe (3:47)

Remember that?

Bert Kreischer (3:48)

I was so proud. I knew how to drive a stick. Yes.

It was like a badge of honor. It was like the closest I've ever been to be a man.