The Science Of Emotion Regulation: A Five-Step Plan For Not Losing Your Sh*t | Marc Brackett

Dan Harris (0:03)

Hello, everybody, welcome to the 10% Happier Podcast. I'm your host, Dan Harris. One of the worst feelings in my experience is when I lose my shit. And it's even worse when I lose my shit unnecessarily, the humiliating process of looking back at that, and then having to make amends, etc. So what can you do in advance to prevent these moments from happening? That's what we're going to talk about today with my guest, Dr. Marc Brackett, who is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and the author of several books including his latest, Dealing with Feeling. You may remember that I had Dr. Brackett on the show a few months ago. You guys love that conversation so much that we're bringing him back.

Dr. Brackett, welcome back to the show.

Marc Brackett (0:50)

It's nice to be back again.

Dan Harris (0:51)

You're a fan favorite.

Marc Brackett (0:53)

I like this in-person one.

Dan Harris (0:55)

Yes, it's so much better in-person.

Marc Brackett (0:57)

It's much more interesting.

Dan Harris (0:58)

I'm really trying to move this show to in-person, which involves a lot of commuting for me, but it's worth it.

Marc Brackett (1:05)

It is.

Dan Harris (1:05)

Let's just do a broad definition of emotion regulation.

You have sometimes been called the feelings master, which I love. Given that you're the feelings master, what does emotion regulation actually mean?

Marc Brackett (1:19)

Okay, maybe we should talk about what it's not. How about that?

Dan Harris (1:22)

Sure.

Marc Brackett (1:23)

So, it's not denying your emotions. It's not ignoring your emotions. It's not suppressing your emotions, which is what a lot of people think it is. I did a talk for lawyers recently. They're like, oh, we just leave our feelings at the door. I'm like, hmm.

I wish that were biologically possible. A teacher said it too. I have my life is so chaotic as a teacher. I just leave my emotions at the door. I'm like, they're going to pop up. So, it's not about denying your emotional life. At the broadest level, it's about using your emotions wisely to achieve what you want out of your life, which is a broad definition.

Dan Harris (1:59)

So, emotion regulation properly understood is using your emotions so that you can achieve what you want in your life.

Marc Brackett (2:06)

Correct.

Dan Harris (2:07)

So, emotions are going to happen anyway. So, you might as well harness them to get you to your goal.

Marc Brackett (2:13)

Correct. I did a speech for a bunch of families recently, and I asked them to do an exercise, which I had the parents reflect on their child. Like, live vicariously through your child who is a teenager right now. Just close your eyes, and for two minutes, we're going to... It's the morning. How are you feeling? Now it's you're walking into school. How are you feeling? Class one, class two, class three, class four.

And then end of the day. And I said, how many of you saw more unpleasant feelings? Everybody raised their hand.

And so I said, well, let's talk about that. You know, why is that the case? And so one dad, who had a big personality, he looks at me and he's like, you know, Marc, hasn't it always been that way? Hasn't everybody always felt like shitting in school and bored and tired and overwhelmed and stressed? And I said, maybe. But like, it's not what we want for our kids. Like, is that a recipe for creativity, innovation?

You know, and so I think that people oftentimes think that emotions are emotions.

You have them, you experience them. But there's nothing you can do with them. And I'm saying that is the opposite of what emotional intelligence and emotional regulation is. Emotional regulation is saying, here's a feeling I can see. Is this helpful or unhelpful for what I want to achieve? And if it's not helpful, I can shift it.

Dan Harris (3:34)

Okay. So there's a lot here.

And this is such a huge topic. We're not going to be able to cover all the pieces. I do want to say that if people want to learn more, they can obviously read your books or go back and watch or listen to the previous episode when you recorded. Okay. But today specifically, we're going to talk about what I think is called proactive regulation, what you can do in advance. When you know you've got a potentially triggering situation, what you can do in advance to set yourself up for success.

Marc Brackett (4:03)

Correct. I think most people, again, when they think about emotion regulation, because some people obviously think about it, I think the mindset is like self-control. I'm going to control myself. I'm going to deal with this in the moment. What I want to encourage people to think about is, how can I be better prepared for the moment that's probably going to happen anyway? I don't know about you, I travel a lot.