The Most Redacted Episode Ever

Tom Segura (0:00)

When you want your spring break to feel like...

SPEAKER_2 (0:04)

And your kids' pool day to feel like...

Tom Segura (0:08)

And your hotel bed to feel like... Ooh, and room service to feel like... Because at Hilton, hospitality feels like...

Bert Kreischer (0:19)

Your cabana's ready.

SPEAKER_2 (0:20)

Would you like fresh towels?

Tom Segura (0:21)

It matters where you stay. Book now at hilton.com.

Bert Kreischer (0:27)

Hilton.

Tom Segura (0:28)

For this day. Welcome to another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. For everybody that has not yet done it, we want to remind you that we are doing the 2 Bears 5K May 9th at the Pasadena Rose Bowl.

Bert Kreischer (0:48)

Hopefully this comes out before May. I think this will come out in September.

Tom Segura (0:51)

Oh, cool.

That is a good point. We should have it come out before then. This is part of a Netflix is a Joke Festival. Tons of comedians will be there. It's been so fun. This is our third in a row and our second time back at the Rose Bowl. It really is like so cool whether you're an avid runner or you're a beginner or you weigh 400 or 500, 600 pounds, whatever your condition is, you can walk it, you can crawl it, you can get spit on as you do it, you can get run over by a golf cart, you can run as fast as you want.

Bert Kreischer (1:29)

We've almost done as many 5Ks as episodes this year.

Tom Segura (1:32)

Yeah, it's awesome. And we're going to, it's going to be a wrap. This is it.

Bert Kreischer (1:37)

This is it guys. No, I'm excited for the 5K. I'm really excited.

Tom Segura (1:40)

Oh, and of course, hold on. You got to register at 2bears5k.com. So if you want to do it, 2bears5k.com.

Bert Kreischer (1:46)

It's going to be big this year.

And I am the best shape I've ever been in. I'm in the physically best I've ever been in. I've never felt lighter on my feet.

Tom Segura (1:54)

Well, maybe because you're one of the lightest you've been in years.

Bert Kreischer (1:57)

I'm the lightest I've been in, oh wow, in probably 22 years.

Tom Segura (2:04)

What?

SPEAKER_2 (2:05)

Yeah.

Tom Segura (2:07)

Wait, how much do you weigh?

Bert Kreischer (2:09)

I don't talk about weight now. I've changed my digital footprint, Tom. I don't show my workouts. I don't talk about weight. I don't post pictures of how fucking amazing I look.

I just do the work, Tom.

Tom Segura (2:21)

Cool. How much do you weigh?

Bert Kreischer (2:24)

I don't know. You know. I'm, let's just say 220s.

Tom Segura (2:30)

You're in your 220s right now?

Bert Kreischer (2:32)

Yeah.

Tom Segura (2:32)

And you were 270?

Bert Kreischer (2:35)

275

Tom Segura (2:36)

So you've lost like over 50 pounds?

SPEAKER_2 (2:39)

Oh yeah.

Tom Segura (2:41)

Jesus Christ, man.

Bert Kreischer (2:42)

I've never felt lighter on my feet in my entire life. And like the other day we were in Chicago, or no, in DC and I got out of my bus. I was just staying there for two days.

Tom Segura (2:51)

Yeah.

Bert Kreischer (2:52)

And I ran five miles so effortlessly that I was like, I was like, this is crazy. Here's the other thing. I'm sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night.

Tom Segura (3:04)

10 to 12 hours a night.

Bert Kreischer (3:06)

Dude, on the road, I'm sleeping aggressively, like an eighth grader.

Tom Segura (3:11)

Are you taking something to sleep?

Bert Kreischer (3:13)

Nope, I'm, Tom, I want to just preface this with, I am disgusted by sobriety talk. That's all that's in my feed. That's all that comes my way is some broken toy telling me how to live my life. Some fucking ex whore from Philly telling me how to fucking optimize my life and telling me about BPC 157 and test. It's, you're so late to the fucking game. All of you fucking.

Tom Segura (3:44)

That's not a very point.

Bert Kreischer (3:45)

Back when I was drinking, you know what I used to do? I'd bring a water bottle full of vodka. And then if I didn't suck a guy's dick before the show started and you're like, you're on a different page than I am, okay? Stop doing these testimonials. That's all I get. My whole feed is sobriety talk and I'm exhausted. The only person I listen to when it comes to sobriety is Nick Schwartzen. He seems to have the, he's the almost even killed motherfucker. And by the way, him talking about his sobriety is him and Shia LaBeouf. Shia is, Shia was refreshing when he talked about freedom and wanting to be able to put your foot in the mysticism every now and then. Yeah. Dude, that interview with Shia was fucking incredible. I'm gonna put a pin in Shia and Nick, okay? Cause we'll get back to that.