The Hidden Cost of Always Saying Yes | A Bit of Optimism: Feelings at Work | PART 1

**Simon Sinek** (0:00)
Today, what I want to talk about is people-pleasing. Just before we get going, I just want you to know that I want this to be the best experience for you, and I will do anything I can so that you're happy.

**Alex Simon** (0:12)
Are you people-pleasing me?

**Simon Sinek** (0:14)
Yes. It works.

**Alex Simon** (0:15)
I'm so pleased.

**Simon Sinek** (0:17)
Think about the last time someone asked you to do something at work, and you said yes. When you said yes, did you mean it? Was it like a real full-bodied hell yes? Or was it more like a, yeah, yeah, totally. Did you say yes with confidence? Or was there a tiny voice inside you screaming, what are you doing? You don't have time for this. Followed by total remorse or self-loathing, as you slowly recognize that the future you now has more work than you can handle. If any of this sounds even vaguely familiar, then congratulations, you have people-pleasing tendencies. And even if you're not a full card-carrying people-pleaser, we've all done this to ourselves out of desire to be a good team player or out of fear of saying no. Here's the irony, whoever was asking us would actually have been fine with a no, if only we knew how to give it. Instead of taking a summer hiatus, we're presenting a special five-episode series of A Bit of Optimism to go deep on human skills, the things that help us connect, collaborate, and succeed in any human relationship. That's why I invited Alex Simon to join me. She's an adjunct professor at Yale and founder of Lifeshop, where she teaches emotional intelligence. And over these five episodes, we will tackle some of the messier human interactions, like having hard conversations, taking accountability, listening, and giving feedback, and in this one, people-pleasing. While so many people are focused on what skills to learn in the age of AI, the people that will succeed are the ones that are doubling down on their human skills, because even in a world of computers, we still work with people, and being a good colleague or friend means learning how to manage expectations properly, theirs and ours.
We will cover three big themes in this episode. First, we debunk the myth that always saying yes is how you get ahead, that it's how you earn trust or get promoted and become indispensable. In fact, saying yes can actually hurt those things. We talk about what actually works.
Then we'll explore a six-word phrase that can get you out of almost any overcommitment. You can use it today. No therapy, no personality overhaul required, a guilt-free solution for people pleasers everywhere. Finally, we offer ways to spot people pleasing behavior before those good intentions turn to burnout. That high performer who can never say no, they're closer to the edge than most people realize. Before you get too good at saying no, please listen to this episode. If you enjoy this episode, also please remember to subscribe.
This is A Bit of Optimism.
So, people pleasing affects a lot of people, more than I think people realize, and it is the desire to sometimes avoid conflict, sometimes to ensure that somebody else is getting what they want, feels good, going out of your way to make sure that everybody's okay. But the reason it can be dangerous and destructive, and the reason I wanted to talk about it today, because in theory, it sounds like a nice idea, but it can very often be very self-destructive to the people pleaser.
It amplifies all kinds of insecurities. It also sometimes makes them do things they don't want to do, break their own boundaries, all kinds of things. And very often, it doesn't actually please the people they're trying to please. So it's sort of like in the long term. So it's kind of like a zero zero.

**Alex Simon** (3:47)
I think the tricky thing about people pleasing is that it's kind of like an extreme version of things that are good and adaptive. Like it's normal to want to be generous and to say yes to things and to want to be liked. And I think that where it tips over into people pleasing is when it becomes almost like an existential need of like, oh, I feel like I'm gonna combust if I don't say yes to this thing or tell them I can meet this deadline even though I know I can't or I'm like over apologizing even though I know it's not my fault or yeah, like taking on too much work.
There's so many different ways that it exhibits itself. And I think that we think of it as like a personal characteristic and every single time I teach people pleasing, I'm shocked by how many.