The Hard Work of "Daughtering" With Dr. Allison Alford

**Morra Aarons-Mele** (0:04)
I'm Morra Aarons-Mele, and this is The Anxious Achiever. What does it mean to be a good daughter?
You know, all the daughters I know, and I know a lot of them. I am one myself, of course. I think that we spend a lot of time thinking about this through our lifespan, probably from when we're older kids into teenagerhood, certainly as we become adult women ourselves, and then, of course, round into the caregiving years. My guest today, Dr. Allison Alford, is a professor at Baylor University, and she's written a book called Good Daughtering. To offer daughtering, to daughter, is a verb. It's the act of caring practically for your parents, of thinking about them, right? Of checking in, of making sure that they're taken care of. It's also a question of family tradition and meaning making and magic making, as my friend Leah Ruppaner would say. And it's also a question of identity. How do I think of myself and the expectations that I have of myself as a daughter, the expectations I think you have of me as a daughter? That one's a thorny one for sure. And of course, this varies, right? If you're close to your parents, if you don't speak to your parents, if you grew up in a single parent household versus you grew up with two parents in partnership. It's such a complex issue, but it's really important because I'm going to leave you with this.
How we are as daughters affects how we show up at work.
It really does. I want you to take a minute if you're a daughter or if you're a son. Alfred also talks about sonning being a son. How do the expectations in your family of you as a daughter reverberate in your role at work as a parent, as a partner, as a community member, as a friend? It's pretty profound, I bet. Enjoy my conversation on daughtering.
Well, Dr. Allison Alford, welcome. Welcome to the show.

**Allison Alford** (2:27)
Thanks so much for having me. We've had some scheduling here, there, and everywhere, and so I'm delighted we both made it happen today.

**Morra Aarons-Mele** (2:35)
Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah.
And also, you know, I know that we both have teenage sons, and I don't actually know about your parents. I've listened to interviews, but why don't you sort of, if you don't mind, since it's relevant for the show, why don't you situate us in your phase of life, like how you are as a daughter, a partner, a friend, a spouse, a mom, all that stuff.

**Allison Alford** (3:05)
Absolutely. Yeah, I am a daughter.
I wrote about daughtering. I think about daughtering every day. So both of my parents alive and well and married for, gosh, maybe, oh my gosh, maybe 45 years, something like that. So something really cool.
So grateful for them. I am the younger sister and have an older sister who lives very nearby to my parents and I live farther away. So I do a lot of distance daughtering. I am a professor at Baylor University. And so I have been here in Waco close to 10 years, and I feel like I'm just now getting settled in this area. But I have a wonderful husband, Joe. We've been married for, oh, I should know this, 22 years this year. Not quite there, but we're at 22 We'll hit 22 soon. And we have two teenage kids, a son who's a graduating senior, and a daughter in high school. So we definitely have busy lives. And you know, it's one of those things that I'm, what I call an elder millennial, right? Some might say a grand millennial, or others might say like a cusper, you know, kind of like not old enough really to call myself Gen X, but I also feel a little bit older than like the typical millennial conversation.

**Morra Aarons-Mele** (4:38)
Let me guess you're like between 43 and 45?

**Allison Alford** (4:41)
Yeah, I'm 44

**Morra Aarons-Mele** (4:43)
There you go.

**Allison Alford** (4:44)
You got it, 1982 So I actually, I think of myself really as a curious person. I do a lot of thinking about other people. I love, you know, tools like the Enneagram, and also think that they're completely made up.

**Morra Aarons-Mele** (5:01)
What Enneagram are you?

**Allison Alford** (5:03)
Oh, my gosh. You're never going to believe this. I'm actually an Enneagram 4 I am, well, with a wing 3 So I really have my highly productive side, but I really have my sort of interior life, melancholy, deep thinker, need a lot of alone time side is more prominent. I don't usually bring that side to podcasts.