The four steps to hearing hard feedback gracefully | Chris Wheatley

**Elise Hu** (0:04)
You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hue.
Most of us know that particular sting when someone we care about tells us something true about ourselves that maybe we didn't want to hear. Our first instinct is usually to get defensive or to explain what they got wrong. That's exactly where leadership expert Chris Wheatley found himself a few years ago, when his best friend at work told him that during their arguments, it seemed like he needed her to feel stupid.

**Chris Wheatley** (0:37)
She could have done what I probably would have done, which is just silently resented me and not said anything.
But she had the courage to come and talk to me. And I noticed the transformation in my relationships almost immediately.

**Elise Hu** (0:49)
In his talk, Chris says that most of us think about feedback backwards. He explains how we spend a lot of energy on how to give it well, but not nearly enough on how to receive it well, which is what actually determines whether the people around us feel safe being honest in the first place.

**Chris Wheatley** (1:07)
We have to make it safer, and we have to lower the amount of courage that it requires to have that conversation.

**Elise Hu** (1:13)
He offers a practical method for doing exactly that, how to respond to hard feedback so that people feel safe giving you more of it. That's coming up right after a short break.
And now, our TED Talk of the day.

**Chris Wheatley** (1:35)
One of the most important lessons that I had to learn in my life is that when it comes to our growth and development, there is no substitute for a tough piece of feedback from someone who cares about us. And when we can make it safe enough for the people in our lives to tell us those hard things, it not only benefits us, it can spark transformation in our workplaces and in our families. And I learned this lesson the way that I learned most things, which is the hard way. And it was when I got a tough piece of feedback from my best friend at work, Christy. So I met Christy years ago when I left the only organization I had ever worked for to start over at a new company. And I was freaking out. And Christy was this incredibly kind and welcoming person who just really went out of her way to help me be successful. And we became fast friends. And then one day, we got into an argument. Not uncommon for us. We're both pretty stubborn and opinionated people, and we resolved it. And I thought everything was fine. She had a very different reaction. And the next day she came in and she gave me this feedback and I'll never forget it. She said, it just seemed like, while we were arguing, that you needed me to feel stupid.
And if you've ever had somebody make you feel that way, you know it's awful.
So here's my best friend at work, somebody that I care about. She's told me that I've hurt her. And so of course, my immediate reaction is I get very defensive. So I remember running through all of this in my head, right? Like, how could you say that? That's completely unfair. I would never think that about you. And then I just listing off all the reasons that she was wrong.
Now, thankfully, I didn't see any of that out loud. And all I could think to say in the moment was, thank you for telling me. And I meant it because she could have done so many other things, right? She could have gossiped about me behind my back. She could have gone to our boss and complained about me. She could have done what I probably would have done, which is just silently resented me and not said anything. But she had the courage to come and talk to me.
And the truth is, I've gotten this feedback before. And the feedback is that when I'm not at my best, I come across as arrogant, condescending, self-righteous, and a know-it-all. Which is a really nice combination and a great way to make friends, if you're interested.
It's the thing in my life I am most embarrassed about and oftentimes ashamed of. And so I'm telling this to Christy, and I say, I know I do this, and I'm sorry. I don't want to, but I can't hear myself when I'm doing it. Can you help me? And she says, sure, I'll just tell you when you're doing it.
Not like that. I meant, do you have a book I could read or like a training or something like that that I could take? You know, we'll fix this. And she said, well, how about this? I'll just say, you're doing your thing.