The Audience Is Gonna Hate Us w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano

Stavros Halkias (0:00)

Hey, gang, I am gonna be on tour starting this September. I'm gonna be in London September 7th, second show added in London. Then we're gonna be in Dublin on September 12th. After that, coming to America November 6th in Memphis, then Huntsville, Alabama, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Knoxville, Asheville, Greensboro, Wilmington, and then Myrtle Beach, classy Myrtle Beach, Austin, and Boston, and we will be adding more shows soon, but if you wanna come see me, please check me out there.

Chris Distefano (0:32)

That's it, baby. And then I will be, the big one, September 5th, Chicago Theater, September 11th, Theater at Madison Square Garden, and then September 27th, Saudi Arabia, baby. So come see me. I'm also in Boston in October. Got shows lined up at the Wilbur, the Chevalier. Just go to chrisdcomedy.com for Tiki Wikis. Thanks for all the support.

Stavros Halkias (1:00)

Hello everybody and welcome to 2 Bears 1 Cave, Summer Bears Edition, number 5 Wow. With me, Stavros Halkis, and my pal Chris DeStefano.

Chris Distefano (1:11)

That's it. We're here. We have just eaten probably 1500 calories of sweets.

Stavros Halkias (1:17)

I'm so fucked. I honestly I'm going to fucking kill Benson Spoon. Dude. Both of you actually are sabotaging me. It's your fault.

Chris Distefano (1:24)

Sorry about that.

Stavros Halkias (1:25)

This is your only escape from your family. I know that your fiance is watching what you're eating. Now that she's got you legally, you can't die.

Chris Distefano (1:34)

Right.

Stavros Halkias (1:35)

You know what I mean?

Until you're married and she gets everything if you die, she's got to keep you alive. So there's a lot of egg white omelets. It's a lot of working out. So you and our text chain, one of us is fat as shit is trying to change his fucking life, Chris. And you pretend like you're a friend who supports me. But every time I come here, you demand Benson Spoon gets us a whole coterie of fucking desserts. Well, I got to be. And what am I going to do? Have any self-control? No, I'm going to eat the tiramisu. I'm going to eat whatever delicious shit. And there was a bagel. I packed a lunch. Dude, I packed a fucking breakfast even. And then I see a bagel. What am I not going to eat the fucking bagel?

Chris Distefano (2:14)

Yeah, but here's the thing. The lunch that you packed is salmon and chicken and broccoli. So it's the thought that counts.

Stavros Halkias (2:19)

I know it. Right now, in the studio fridge, there is salmon, broccoli, and a half cup of rice. I didn't even give myself a full cup of rice, and I've eaten three fucking desserts.

Chris Distefano (2:30)

I love that you have salmon, broccoli, and chicken in the fridge and tiramisu in your belly button.

Stavros Halkias (2:37)

I'm fucked.

Chris Distefano (2:38)

Dude, well, I didn't know what to do because I actually was concerned because Stavros, myself, and Benson Spoon have a group chat where we go over when we're going to come in and film this, what it is. And Stavros just hasn't responded in two weeks. So I texted him this morning thinking, Dude, are you dead? Am I going to find your body in Astoria with a half-eaten Turkey Hill ice cream container, porn, and a vote from Mom Donnie sign?

Stavros Halkias (3:06)

Everything is right except Turkey Hill. You offended me. Sorry.

It's not you fantasizing about my death. Did you think I would be eating low quality ice cream like fucking Turkey Hill?

Chris Distefano (3:17)

Sorry about that.

Stavros Halkias (3:17)

I'd be Ben & Jerry's though. I'd be maybe Jenny's even.

Chris Distefano (3:21)

I know, dude. You are sold out everywhere you go. So you are Ben & Jerry's. Now you were Turkey Hill three years ago.

Stavros Halkias (3:26)

My youth, in my youth, we had the plastic tub with its own little plastic handle. That was the Neapolitan that you got in Costco.

Chris Distefano (3:33)

The best.

Stavros Halkias (3:34)

The price club back in the day. And then obviously the strawberry always goes last.

Chris Distefano (3:39)

Oh, yeah.

Stavros Halkias (3:39)

They know what they're doing with Neapolitan. That's their way to sneak strawberry and chocolate and vanilla superstars.

Chris Distefano (3:45)

The best, dude.

Stavros Halkias (3:46)

And then they sneak a... I don't need a third. You should redo Neapolitan ice cream and it should be maybe like... Now I'm bad with fractions.

Chris Distefano (3:56)

One-eighth?

Stavros Halkias (3:57)

No, hold on.

Chris Distefano (3:58)

Three-fifths.

Stavros Halkias (3:59)

Yeah, fifths.

Chris Distefano (4:00)

That's the only fraction I know from history.