Somethings Burning And It's Bert's Bus

Bert Kreischer (0:05)

I'm lowering my compression socks.

Tom Segura (0:07)

All right. Welcome to another episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave as Bert removes his compression socks.

Bert Kreischer (0:15)

I'm an old man now, Tom.

Tom Segura (0:16)

Yeah.

Bert Kreischer (0:16)

I keep saying I'm a snowman in March.

Tom Segura (0:18)

What does that mean?

Bert Kreischer (0:19)

I'm dying.

Tom Segura (0:20)

Oh, oh. Hey, you've never looked better.

Bert Kreischer (0:22)

God's taking swings at me.

Tom Segura (0:24)

Dying's looking good on you, man.

Bert Kreischer (0:26)

Death looks good on me.

Tom Segura (0:27)

Yeah.

Bert Kreischer (0:27)

I was on stage last night in Ottawa, Ottawa, and I was like, my life is unrecognizable from three months ago. I had two dogs three months ago. My kids were in LA. I had no blood clots. I had a bus. I had all this shit going on. And then this woman just goes, what about your rosacea? I was like, thanks lady.

Tom Segura (0:53)

Thanks lady. Well, we should like discuss it because God knows you're going to talk about it incessantly.

Bert Kreischer (1:02)

I haven't talked about it yet.

Tom Segura (1:03)

I know, but this is the best-

Bert Kreischer (1:04)

But I don't really do a podcast as much anymore.

Tom Segura (1:06)

Well, this is the best thing. It's the best life to live. Don't do it too much.

Bert Kreischer (1:10)

I got to be honest with you. Cutting back was the, my standup's better. Ticket sales are better. Like, I think people were like, I just want to see you on stage.

Tom Segura (1:20)

No, but let's talk about it for real because I wake up, like many people did, open my phone and I can't even believe the image that you post that your tour bus burned to a crisp.

Bert Kreischer (1:33)

Yeah.

Tom Segura (1:34)

So what happened? Like, what actually happened?

Bert Kreischer (1:38)

So we were fucking Fargo.

Tom Segura (1:42)

Yeah, that's how most people say it too.

Bert Kreischer (1:43)

Fucking Fargo.

Tom Segura (1:45)

Fucking Fargo, that's what people say.

Bert Kreischer (1:47)

Fargo gets me every time. Last time, we slid off into an embankment.

Tom Segura (1:51)

On the bus?

Bert Kreischer (1:52)

On the bus and the bus got stuck. And then everyone was making jokes about it. You're back to Fargo. What's going to happen this time? And this is what happened. We get done the show in Fargo. We're heading to Cedar Rapids.

And we had a blowout. We had a blowout. It was crazy. I live streamed it. It's on my Instagram. But we had a blowout and the tire ripped off the wheel well.

Tom Segura (2:13)

As you're driving?

Bert Kreischer (2:14)

As we're driving, it rips off, rolls next to the bus, lands next to the bus, like five feet from the actual rim. The rim is bare. And we're like in the middle, we're an hour outside Fargo. In the middle of a field, there's a huge snowstorm. Roads are icy, trucks are flying down the road. And I get out with live stream. I sit for two hours, have a cigar and-

Tom Segura (2:38)

How many people are with you on the bus at this point?

Bert Kreischer (2:40)

So both, so we have traveled with three buses. So I have one bus, it's crew, another bus, it's crew, and then our bus is me, Ian Fydance, Pat Berger, my trainer, Alex, and Kyle, my assistant.

Tom Segura (2:53)

And the driver.

Bert Kreischer (2:54)

And the driver, Dewey. And so Dewey, blowout, Dewey handles it perfectly. Pulls it over. We sit for two hours and they're like, all right, what are we gonna do? We can't get a guy out here, they're gonna come out tomorrow morning to switch your tires. And I'm like, I'm gonna stay with the bus because my bed's there, everything's there.

And they're like, we may not be able to get a tire in time to get you to Cedar Rapids, so why don't you get into a bunk and we'll drive you to Cedar Rapids. And I'm like, no. And they're like, it's the best bet. Like that way we know we can be there for the show. We don't know when the bus will get here. And all my stuff's on the bus, so I don't wanna leave the bus, but I'm like, we've been waiting for two hours, we don't know when a tire's coming, we're like, all right, it.

Tom Segura (3:37)

When you say stuff, what are we talking about?

Bert Kreischer (3:39)

My hats.

Tom Segura (3:41)

Your hats, you have a lot of hats.