A non-profit chief on why caregivers refuse the rest they need and end up hitting a wall

SPEAKER_1 (0:02)

This is a podcast by The Straits Times.

Lynda Hong (0:09)

Hello, I'm Lynda Hong, Assistant Podcast Editor of The Straits Times. In this episode of In Your Opinion, we'll talk about something related to dementia, mental health struggles and chronic illnesses that leave a loved one bedridden. But instead of focusing on the diseases and the patients, we are focusing entirely on the healthy people, those quietly carrying the weight of caregiving.

Joining me to unpack the mental stress and burnout of caregivers is the head of a non-governmental organization supporting this group of people, Tim Wee, CEO of Mindful Community. Welcome to the show, Tim.

Tim Oei (0:45)

Thank you, Lynda, for having me.

Lynda Hong (0:47)

Now, Tim, what does Mindful Community do and why did you choose to work on supporting the mental health of caregivers at Mindful Now? After you spent decades leading Singapore Social Service Agencies like AWWA and the National Kidney Foundation.

Tim Oei (1:02)

I think even with A1 and NKF, we do work with caregivers and we do hear the plight of caregivers and their concerns. And a lot of time, our programs actually are a result of their feedback. And we try to address some of their issues because we felt, and I strongly feel it, that the caregiver or the person helping the person with the condition, whatever the condition may be, is critical.

And we need to be aware of their needs. Mental health is not new, that suddenly everybody suddenly realizes it's there. It's always been there, but not often spoken about.

And I think with Mindfull Community, we have come to a realization after helping caregivers and persons who live through the condition that you need to support them in a better way. Instead of directly supporting them, we feel we have to support the supporters, the families, their schoolmates, even their colleagues, so that they have somebody who can support them in times of crisis. This crisis can come anytime, and you may not turn to professionals. Research has shown that a lot of help-seeking is not to professionals, but informal help, like families and friends and colleagues. So why don't we strengthen the support base of the person so that when the person has a trigger, we can help de-escalate the situation and not make it worse.

Lynda Hong (2:46)

So you've actually worked in many social service agencies, like I've mentioned just now. Maybe we can also talk about some of the heartbreaking stories that you've come across with caregivers.

Tim Oei (2:57)

I think we hear many of the, when I was working with AWWA, we help children with special needs and even elderly. Caregivers struggle, and they want help. But where do they get help? How can they help? But my realisation is that caregivers don't look at themselves first. They tend to look at how better to help the person I'm caring for, my loved ones. So that's a fundamental issue I've learned from all the time in social services, even in NKF.

The patient is suffering, but the caregiver says, don't worry about me, I will cope.

But when the caregiver breaks, or has hospitalisation as a result of stress or some condition, then the person actually ends up in hospital very soon thereafter. Because the connection between the two is very close, and I think supporting caregivers is a natural way we should help the person.

Lynda Hong (4:01)

So that is the most extreme part of burnout I will assume, but maybe we can also talk a little bit about what does burnout look like in the initial stage.

Tim Oei (4:11)

Okay.

I will tell you a story about a lady who went through our program. She cared for her in-laws 20 years with dementia.

Then when a loved one passed on, she said, okay, now I can rest. Then the next parent had dementia. Then she, oh no, I don't think I can do another 20 years. Then when she attended our course and understood what dementia really was, understood the importance of self-care, she says, okay, I got second win. I will do the next lab. I will be stronger because I know how to do it better, and I know the importance of pacing myself. She shared that if I knew what I knew now, I would have been a better caregiver for my earlier parent. So I think that is where a lot of times, we tend to look at breakdowns, but the breakdowns don't come in one spurt. It's little, little episodes that culminate in something, I just give up because they have just fatigue and burnout and they cannot rationalize their behavior anymore.

Lynda Hong (5:27)

Are there a lot of people who come to you before or after they have snapped or they actually broke down under pressure already?