Patrice O’Neal Destroyed Me

Bert Kreischer (0:05)

So good to see you.

Tom Segura (0:06)

Good to see you.

SPEAKER_3 (0:07)

That's a great story you told me.

Bert Kreischer (0:09)

That's one of the best.

Tom Segura (0:10)

Yeah.

Bert Kreischer (0:11)

It's Leanne.

Tom Segura (0:12)

Yeah.

Bert Kreischer (0:13)

I've never enjoyed my wife more than when her c*** comes out.

SPEAKER_3 (0:18)

That's a nice way of saying that.

Bert Kreischer (0:20)

Bleep that so that we don't get flagged.

But when she turns into a full blown bitch, it's my favorite. To other people.

SPEAKER_3 (0:28)

Right, not to you.

Bert Kreischer (0:29)

Not to me, I hate it. But when she does it to other people, and she does it to me so often, that I'm almost numb to it. It's the way black people don't hear their fire alarms going off.

SPEAKER_3 (0:37)

You mean smoke detectors?

Bert Kreischer (0:38)

That's it. Do you think that's people at dinner go, are you not noticing the bitch going off? I go, oh, I'm numb to it. I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_3 (0:48)

I'm so used to this. Yeah. And I remember my dad, like when we were growing up, my mom would be like such an asshole.

And he would be so unfazed and you'd be like, hey man, like, are you not clocking this? And he'd be like, what's that buddy? And you're like, oh, he's completely disconnected. He's zoned out of it. Yeah. And that's how he, that's how you survive. Yeah. You survived by not engaging it.

Bert Kreischer (1:14)

It's gotta be, I wonder if it's adjacent to like, smoke detectors. Like, and to like emotional abuse or a guy that cheats on his wife.

SPEAKER_3 (1:22)

Yeah.

Bert Kreischer (1:23)

And then she just goes, what, it doesn't bother me. I have a great house.

SPEAKER_3 (1:27)

I'm used to it.

Bert Kreischer (1:27)

I'm used to it.

SPEAKER_3 (1:28)

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer (1:29)

I mean, she does it so often. I felt, I wish I could share the story with everyone of how my wife, the rescue dog that is my wife.

SPEAKER_3 (1:43)

Yeah, you can't totally because there's some legal ramifications.

Bert Kreischer (1:45)

There's a legal ramifications. But suffice to say, every now and then you, this is the way you gotta look at it.

Every now and then, when your wife's a bitch to you, like a full blown bitch to you, remember everyone gets it.

SPEAKER_3 (2:02)

Right, not just you.

Bert Kreischer (2:03)

Not just you. And so you gotta go, this is gonna come in my benefit.

SPEAKER_3 (2:08)

At some point.

Bert Kreischer (2:08)

Yeah, like if you're married to a cage fighter and every now and then he throws you around a little bit. Also he protects you when people call you a whore.

SPEAKER_3 (2:15)

Yep, right. It's a silver lining.

Bert Kreischer (2:18)

Silver lining. Did you see that? Go ahead.

SPEAKER_3 (2:20)

No, I was just gonna say, it's pretty exciting as Florida boys that Por Osos is now in Publix.

Bert Kreischer (2:26)

Oh, let me tell you.

SPEAKER_3 (2:28)

That's a pretty exciting thing.

Bert Kreischer (2:29)

Tom, I can't wait till, first of all, Publix is...

SPEAKER_3 (2:35)

People don't know. People don't know. And nobody knows. When you travel the country, you find out that there's grocery stores that are like, their identity is with a certain market. Like, when I moved here, I was like, what the Ralph's, right? And then after living here for so long, you're like, it's part of the identity of LA.

In Austin, you know, HEB is like...

Bert Kreischer (2:55)

I was just about to say that. HEB is like, so I got a Peruvian hot sauce.

I just put it on my breakfast. Someone get me this hot sauce. It's a Peruvian hot sauce.

SPEAKER_3 (3:04)

Is it Ajay? A-J-I?

Bert Kreischer (3:06)

It is.

SPEAKER_3 (3:06)

Yeah, yeah.

Bert Kreischer (3:07)

How'd you know?

SPEAKER_3 (3:08)

Because I'm Peruvian.

Bert Kreischer (3:11)

Yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_3 (3:11)

Yeah, it's fantastic. I love Ajay.

Bert Kreischer (3:13)

Yeah, I just got it in HEB and I flew home with it. It was that good.

SPEAKER_3 (3:18)

Yeah, it's great.

Bert Kreischer (3:18)

That's so crazy.

SPEAKER_3 (3:19)

Yeah.

Bert Kreischer (3:20)

But yeah, that's so crazy. And I hope that...

SPEAKER_3 (3:25)

Well, so when I moved, sorry, because I moved in the Midwest as a kid.

Bert Kreischer (3:29)

Yeah.

SPEAKER_3 (3:29)

So you're a kid, you don't have like the scale and scope of the United States. And when it comes to grocery stores. Yeah.

Yeah. Ajay.

Bert Kreischer (3:41)

This is the fucking hot sauce.