My Soul Will Always Be Fat

Tom Segura (0:11)

Welcome to another episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave. We're here in Bert's lair. It's been a minute, dude. How you doing? How are you feeling?

Bert Kreischer (0:21)

Weak.

Tom Segura (0:23)

Why are you feeling weak?

Bert Kreischer (0:25)

Because I'm skinny now and this is what skinny people feel like.

Tom Segura (0:27)

They just feel weak.

Bert Kreischer (0:28)

They're feeble and unpowerful.

Tom Segura (0:30)

How are you so skinny? What happened?

Bert Kreischer (0:32)

Natural, not using any drugs.

Tom Segura (0:34)

That's good.

Bert Kreischer (0:35)

It's just self-discipline. I get up at five in the morning and I go to the gym and then I barely sleep at night. I do cold plunge. I do aromatherapy. I do red light therapy. Awesome. I get my vitamin D.

I say my gratitudes. I journal. Wow.

Tom Segura (0:50)

You're doing all this stuff.

Bert Kreischer (0:51)

And then I go right back to bed.

Tom Segura (0:53)

Yeah.

Bert Kreischer (0:55)

I'm so fucking tired of this health fit movement. I just gave up. I'm on Manjaro.

Tom Segura (0:59)

Yeah. And it's been how long?

Bert Kreischer (1:03)

I just took my fourth shot Sunday.

Tom Segura (1:06)

And so in a month, how much are you down?

Bert Kreischer (1:10)

25 pounds.

Tom Segura (1:11)

That's pretty ridiculous, man.

Bert Kreischer (1:12)

It's yeah. I tell you, I don't know. I don't know if I would, I would recommend it if it's a health thing.

Tom Segura (1:21)

Like you need to for your health benefits. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer (1:24)

Yeah. So I sent you my, Your DEXA scan. My DEXA scan. And it was, I went to the doctor and I said, my cardiologist, and I had blood work for Waste Well. And my doctor was like, you're weighing in pretty heavy. Like this is the heaviest you've been. And I was like, I think I was 275 last time. And he's like 274 and 275 are the same, pretty much.

Tom Segura (1:49)

Yeah, you made the point to say I'm only 274

Bert Kreischer (1:53)

And then I told him, you know, I'm really strong. So, and I don't know if you know this, but muscle weighs more than fat.

Tom Segura (1:59)

You told your cardiologist this?

Bert Kreischer (2:01)

And he was like, wow, how much muscle is in there? I said, I benched 325 this year. And he was like, really? And then he just said casually, I benched 315 in med school. And I was like, shut the fuck up. Like, what did I take my, what are we doing?

Tom Segura (2:17)

Why are you big timeing me, dude?

Bert Kreischer (2:18)

Yeah. And then he said, you know, we have a machine to tell you exactly how much muscle is in there. And I'd love for you to do it. And fucking Leanne was in there. She's like, book it, book it. I'll take him right now. And so they took me. And I didn't really totally fit on the Dexascan machine. Like my arms were falling off of it. I couldn't get them close to me. So I had to hold my arms tight. And they did my Dexascan and it was like, I sent it to you. I forget what my numbers were. But it was like 45% fat.

Tom Segura (2:50)

Yeah, I mean, I don't think it was that high, but it was.

Bert Kreischer (2:53)

It was, hang on. I'll tell you the exact, I just texted it to you.

Tom Segura (2:57)

Yeah, I have it.

Bert Kreischer (2:59)

But it was 45% fat. I think it was ridiculous. It was like 40% fat at least. But he said there was 90 pounds of fat sitting in my stomach.

Tom Segura (3:08)

Yeah, yeah, that's your danger area. So you are doing it for health reasons, right?

Bert Kreischer (3:13)

Well, he told me, you're not diabetic, you're not pre-diabetic. All your numbers are fine. Even my liver numbers are fine. Everything's fine. He's like, but having said that, I think you need this to get rid of that visceral fat. He goes, visceral fat's a killer. And he's like, you know, I'm looking at your liver, I'm mammogramming it or sonogramming it. And he goes, I'm supposed to see a line right here, but I can't because there's so much fat. And he was like, you need to lose that. And so I said, well, I don't want to do it. I don't want to, cause you know, I don't know what the fuck, but everyone's turned it. And I'm sure we'll get tons of comments going cheater, whatever they want to say about it. But that was how I felt when people used Ozempic. I was like, why didn't you just put in the work? Why didn't you just find self-control? Why didn't you do? I always said that. I did say that. And then I saw Amy Schimmer's pictures and I was like, holy shit, she looks fucking amazing. And the doctor said, I can give this to you and you can take it. Or I'll see you in three months and you'll be 300 pounds. And I was like, okay. And I came back and I was like, and then one night I was just like, fuck it. I give up. I give up. I'm going to do it. And I did it. Oh, like two days later, I'm in an airport and everything's disgusting. I mean, I can't look at food. I can't, I'm like, I can't even have a drink. I'm about to get on a plane to Boston. I can't have a drink. The people at Private Suite that take care of me all the time, they're like, they're like, dude, what's up? And I was like, I'm on that Manjaro. And they're like, I don't like you like this. And then I just started violently throwing up for You did? 7 to 10 minutes on the phone with Leanne. I called Leanne, she was in a meeting about the thing we got coming up, May. And she was on a phone call and I'm just in the bathroom.