Is your body language working against you? | Cara Hale Alter

Elise Hu (0:00)

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You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hugh.

Getting feedback can be tough, especially when it feels like others aren't perceiving you the way you see yourself. Maybe you view yourself as bubbly, but others say you're too reserved. Maybe you consider yourself flexible, but others say you're too rigid. This misalignment can bring up some big questions.

Cara Hale Alter (1:02)

What is you?

Are you how you feel about yourself from the inside? Or are you what others perceive about you from the outside?

Elise Hu (1:12)

This is communication expert Cara Hale Alter. In her talk, she details the work she does in trying to connect our inner understanding of self to our outward projection of it.

That may sound like a lofty goal, but in reality, the answer often boils down to something as simple as body language.

Cara Hale Alter (1:29)

These two keystone behaviors are strong posture and strong voice.

And I know that seems cliché, sit up straight and speak up. But it is precisely because these behaviors seem so much like common knowledge that we don't feel the need to actively cultivate these good habits.

Elise Hu (1:49)

If you want to look and sound more confident, Cara is here to help. She gives surprisingly straight forward tips on how to take control of how you come across at work and beyond. That's coming up right after a short break.

And now our TED Talk of the day.

Cara Hale Alter (2:15)

We all have a fundamental desire to be seen and understood, and to have other people see us the way we see ourselves, capable, competent, intelligent, playful, charismatic. You get to choose the adjectives that fit you. But that's why when there's a disconnect, when we feel misjudged, it can be very disconcerting, even painful.

Several years ago when I was teaching at Stanford, one of my students, Lauren, came to me for help, unraveling some confusing feedback she had received at her new job. Lauren said of herself that she was painfully shy and timid, especially around new people. So she was taken aback when her manager told her that her new coworkers were finding her aggressive and judgmental. She could not wrap her head around how that could possibly be true. In observing Lauren, I did notice that when she was feeling particularly nervous or intimidated, she took on a pretty extreme poker face and her posture became rigid and locked down. So what felt to Lauren from the inside, like deer in the headlights panic, looked from the outside like a cold hard stare.

So I encouraged her to try to loosen up her facial features and try to literally reach out rather than close up when she was feeling uncomfortable. How we feel on the inside can be very different than how we come across on the outside. There's a common misconception that how we come across to others is very subjective in the eye of the beholder. But I've spent 25 years studying nonverbal communication, researching the predominant cues that we as human beings use to assess credibility, confidence, leadership presence. And the bottom line is that there are ground rules, metrics. Certain behaviors lead to very predictable assessments on the part of the listener. So if you can better understand what behaviors lead to what types of assessments, you can just be more in charge of the image that you project. And today, I'd like to address two very specific behaviors that have an outsized impact on what I call visible credibility. And that's your ability to project confidence and competence so that other people just immediately recognize your true potential. These two keystone behaviors are strong posture and strong voice. And I know that seems cliche, sit up straight and speak up. But it is precisely because these behaviors seem so much like common knowledge that we don't feel the need to actively cultivate these good habits. So let me be explicit. Strong posture means that if you are standing up, your weight is balanced equally over both feet. And whether you're standing or you're seated, your spine and your shoulders form a T. This area has literal core strength. There's no wishy-washiness in my spine. So this has literal core strength, even if I take a couple of steps. Then your head moves independently on your shoulders, like a camera on a tripod. And your nose and eyes should align and track in the same direction, which means that if I look at you, both my nose and eyes point directly toward you. Notice what happens right now when my eyes and nose move a little bit more independently. I'm very likely to look uncomfortable, but I could also look sneaky or mischievous or judgmental or skeptical.