How to Say the Hard Thing and Keep the Relationship | A Bit of Optimism: Feelings at Work | PART 5

**Alex Simon** (0:00)
When I'm in a really intense conflict with someone, maybe I care about them, maybe I have loved working with them, I can't see any of that. I see a monster in front of me. When I'm able to relax that and be like, oh, you're not some evil being with bad intentions, but you're just a person who I seek to understand, who I want to help understand me, it changes everything. So we can both win.

**Simon Sinek** (0:17)
That's so good just to recognize that this person isn't a monster, it's just something that happened. Even that's a relief.

**Alex Simon** (0:23)
For me, the most important thing, the thing that I always try to come back to is reminding myself of this one golden sentence. Conflict is a team sport from mutual understanding.

**Simon Sinek** (0:31)
You're in the car rehearsing exactly what you want to say about that thing that's been bothering you. The words are perfect, the tone is calm but firm. You're compassionate, you're clear, you're setting your boundaries, you're crushing it. Then you get to work, you see the person you need to talk to and what comes out of your mouth is, hey, good weekend. We move on with our day completely avoiding the hard conversation we needed to have. Or we do say what we wanted to say, but it doesn't come out exactly like we rehearsed. We fumble our words, we say what we want to say in all the wrong ways. They get defensive and now it's even worse. Worse than if we had just said nothing. The reason this scenario is familiar is because most of us just plain suck at having difficult conversations.
But here's the good news. Having uncomfortable conversations is a learnable, practicable skill. And with a few simple techniques, those conversations can go a lot smoother and actually bring people closer together. Instead of taking a summer hiatus, we are presenting a special five-episode series of A Bit of Optimism to go deep into some human skills, the things that help us connect, collaborate, and succeed in human relationships. That's why I invited Alex Simon, founder of LifeShop, where she teaches emotional intelligence, to join me. And over these five episodes, we will tackle some of the messier human interactions, like taking accountability, people-pleasing, listening, and giving feedback, and in this one, having hard conversations. Because in this age of AI, yes, you can get help drafting what to say, but the AI can't sit across from someone, look them in the eye, and actually say it. That part is still very human. There are a few major themes that we will cover in this episode. First, we reframe what's actually happening in conflict. Because most of us treat tension like something to avoid, when in reality it's a sign. A sign that there's a misunderstanding or some sort of tension that needs to be addressed. The minute we're able to reframe what tension means, the more open we become to actually leaning into that tension instead of avoiding it.
Next, we'll break down why these conversations get harder the longer we wait. That's because tension doesn't just go away, and we're definitely not neutral in these scenarios. We tell ourselves stories about who's right and who's wrong, and we're usually right in our stories. And we start to become more and more sure of the other person's intentions. Before too long, we're making decisions and acting based on our stories, not what's actually the source of the tension. And finally, we'll give you a simple way to have that conversation that needs to be had.
It's not about being more honest or speaking up or speaking your truth. It's about having a clear, repeatable approach to ensure that difficult conversations are more likely to go smoothly. So here's the hard truth about hard conversations. Few, if any of us, are real pros at this. And all of us could learn some techniques that make us better. If you enjoyed this episode, please remember to subscribe.
This is A Bit of Optimism.

**Alex Simon** (3:50)
Today we are talking about hard conversations.

**Simon Sinek** (3:52)
No, no, I don't want to talk about hard conversations.

**Alex Simon** (3:54)
You're right. Let's just skip it. Sounds hard.

**Simon Sinek** (3:57)
Sounds hard. No, it's too hard. Let's just suppress everything and be passive aggressive. It's so much easier.

**Alex Simon** (4:02)
Yeah. Let's pretend like nothing bad is happening and then it'll go away.

**Simon Sinek** (4:04)
I don't want to pretend there's nothing bad and there's no tension and everything's perfect. I don't want to have a hard conversation. I think that's most people at work.

**Alex Simon** (4:10)
I think it's most people, too. Well, I don't think we think of work as like the place where we have to learn how to have hard conversations. We were like, oh, marriage is hard, but we're not like, oh, my collaborative relationships with people will naturally have friction. That would be really hard to navigate and I'm going to have to like muster emotional courage to do my job.