His Dad Told Him He Was Gay When He Was 7...

SPEAKER_1 (0:00)

Yeah. Oh yeah, bitch. I said it, bitch. You do it better than me. Yeah.

So, you got to meet, you was on Killed Tony, you got to meet Jordan Peterson.

SPEAKER_2 (0:14)

Yeah, he was on Killed Tony with me.

SPEAKER_1 (0:16)

Yeah. How was he like in person?

SPEAKER_2 (0:19)

He's a very sweet guy in person. I just did his podcast.

SPEAKER_1 (0:23)

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_2 (0:23)

And we went out for dinner, so I had dinner with him and his wife.

SPEAKER_1 (0:25)

You asked him out for coffee?

SPEAKER_2 (0:29)

He only eats steak.

SPEAKER_1 (0:31)

Oh, that's right. He's like no carb, right?

SPEAKER_2 (0:33)

No, just steak.

SPEAKER_1 (0:34)

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_2 (0:35)

So he asked me out for steak, and he'll be hearing from my lawyer soon, because I don't eat meat during Pride Month.

SPEAKER_1 (0:45)

Hey, how the hell does he only eat steak, no salad, no fiber, no nothing? Him and his daughter.

SPEAKER_2 (0:50)

No, it's working for him.

I mean, holy shit, it brought him back from the dead. Like, he was dying. He had some something happen.

SPEAKER_1 (0:58)

He's scratching your nuts. This is scratching his nuts the whole show.

You're talking, you're like, yeah, he was eating steak and shit. He can totally eat.

SPEAKER_2 (1:12)

That's not how I asked the girl out for coffee.

SPEAKER_1 (1:14)

Hey, you want to get some more?

SPEAKER_2 (1:17)

Oh no, I'm covered in poison ivy from the waist down. Really?

SPEAKER_1 (1:20)

Really?

SPEAKER_2 (1:21)

Yeah, covered.

SPEAKER_1 (1:22)

Oh no shit.

SPEAKER_2 (1:24)

I didn't know what poison ivy was. I didn't know what it looked like. You know what, could you point out poison ivy?

SPEAKER_1 (1:29)

It's like a green leaf.

SPEAKER_2 (1:30)

Yeah, yeah, so are they all. You fucking racist. You botanist.

Oh, they're all green leaves, aren't they?

SPEAKER_1 (1:40)

I got it when we was little kids, remember? Yeah.

I tell you, I wouldn't know it. I tell you what's worse than poison ivy? Crabs.

SPEAKER_2 (1:50)

Crabs.

SPEAKER_1 (1:53)

I almost ripped my balls off.

SPEAKER_2 (1:57)

You know what's worse?

SPEAKER_1 (1:58)

I was scratching my nuts, right? I was in Camus and Sargent, and he said, man, why you keep scratching yourself? I said, I don't know, it's fucking itching, right? And then I was talking to my homeboy, he said, man, I got it too. I was like, it was that fucking black bitch we met.

So I went down to the thing and they said, yeah, you got crabs. They gave me some shampoo.

SPEAKER_2 (2:22)

I went down to the thing. I hope you never get convicted for murder. Where were you that day? I went down to the thing.

I had crabs.

SPEAKER_1 (2:30)

Oh, but it's the worst thing.

SPEAKER_2 (2:31)

You know what's worse than crabs?

SPEAKER_1 (2:32)

What?

SPEAKER_2 (2:33)

Poison crabs.

Oh yeah. Yeah, I'm covered. I'm literally it's I have a dog and and we go hiking in Texas and I didn't know it. I didn't know we'd been hiking in a forest of poison.

SPEAKER_1 (2:44)

And so you got this little gun.

SPEAKER_2 (2:47)

Well, I got a massage last night and I think she rubbed it up like.

SPEAKER_1 (2:51)

Yeah.

SPEAKER_2 (2:53)

Two hours in Vegas, I got and I was out of massage parlor. This is a sick town.

SPEAKER_1 (3:03)

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_2 (3:07)

Unbelievable.

SPEAKER_1 (3:09)

We used to do that all the time when we was in the Marine Corps. Massage parlor. We called them the Jack Shacks.

SPEAKER_2 (3:15)

Well she had a sign that said, legitimate service, no hanky panky. And I go, I don't want hanky. I just want a hand job.

SPEAKER_3 (3:21)

I don't want any hanky panky.

SPEAKER_1 (3:22)

That's what they all say.

SPEAKER_2 (3:23)

I don't speak Chinese.

SPEAKER_1 (3:24)

That's what they all say. But when the money comes out, the horror comes out.

SPEAKER_2 (3:29)

Yeah, the worst is when you got to give them a credit card and you're naked and they got to bring back, you got to sign a receipt on the table. I've never done that, but...

Well, I can't ask women out for coffee, so I got to go have fucking old Asian women jerk me off for $60. I didn't choose this life.

SPEAKER_1 (3:48)

Well, that's white privilege. You have to tip them like $200. You only have to pay 60 because you're white.

SPEAKER_2 (3:59)

Yeah, they should have the racial chart of the pricing.

SPEAKER_1 (4:02)

Yeah, so you say he's a sweet guy, Jordan Peterson? Yes.

SPEAKER_2 (4:07)

He's the one that convinced me to pursue marriage. My parents got divorced. My dad came out of the closet when I was seven.