Have You Navigated a ‘Quiet Divorce?’

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Mina Kim (1:17)

Welcome to Forum. I'm Mina Kim.

You've likely heard of quiet quitting when it was all over social media, advocating for workers to do just the bare minimum of their jobs and focus on themselves instead.

Now, it seems applying that to romantic relationships is catching fire. Quiet divorcing is not ending the marriage legally, but emotionally disconnecting from it until lovers become more like roommates. This hour, we'll look at why the phenomenon, while not new, is showing up these days on social media and the web. Joining me first is psychologist, Thema Bryant, who goes by Dr. Tema. She's also author of Matters of the Heart. Welcome to Forum, Dr. Tema.

Thema Bryant (1:58)

Oh, so good to be here. Thank you for covering this important topic.

Mina Kim (2:03)

Well, so glad to be covering it with you. How would you, Dr. Tema, define quiet divorce?

Thema Bryant (2:10)

Quiet divorce is when we remain physically present, legally present, but emotionally absent. So we have checked out and it could be that both people are engaging in it, or it could be one person in the couple.

Mina Kim (2:26)

So what does it look like in a relationship? What tend to be the signs that a couple is in a quiet divorce?

Thema Bryant (2:32)

When they are going through the motions of living together, functioning, getting things done that need to be done, perhaps around parenting or paying the bills. But there is a lack of emotional intimacy sometimes, and usually also physical and sexual intimacy.

So they may function more as roommates. Some people aren't even speaking anymore. So they may live in the same house, but are not really engaging with each other.

Mina Kim (3:03)

So maybe even in different rooms, like roommates?

Thema Bryant (3:06)

They could be in different rooms, but they could also show up for each other. There are a range. So some couples really have turned into friends. There is not a romantic aspect to it.

And then some really are disconnected from each other and don't do much at all together.

Mina Kim (3:27)

Yeah, it sounds like you're describing that it can be more of like a logistical relationship or that the partners can be living together under the same roof, but maybe parallel lives as opposed to sort of intersecting lives.

Thema Bryant (3:39)

Absolutely. So there is not that level of active nourishment, being able to enjoy each other, being able to share on a deep level. So it has become very surface for any number of reasons.

Mina Kim (3:56)

Yeah, I think you're starting to answer my next question, which is, what can lead people to the point where they're disconnecting like that?

Thema Bryant (4:05)

Yes. So sometimes people associate the home responsibilities with too much tension, too much drama, too much friction. And so, especially if you're an avoidant person, avoiding conflict, avoiding difficult conversations, then engaging with this person feels like it's going to be too intense, or you don't feel you have the capacity for it, or the desire for it, or don't feel like there is a payoff to it. And so, the shutting down. So avoidance can lead to it. Also, resentment and unresolved issues.

So, there could have been an attempt to address some of the conflict, and then a person didn't feel heard, likely multiple times, and so stop trying. So, this idea of, it's not worth it, even if I express myself, or even if we have this level of deep conversation, nothing's going to change, or this person isn't going to change, and so now I want to protect myself. A person may feel like I am tired of being disappointed, tired of being frustrated. So in an attempt to prevent in their minds, I'm going to prevent further disappointment and frustration by protecting my heart, by disconnecting in that way.