Duncan BLOWS Bert's Mind!

Tom Segura (0:00)

Hey everyone, this month, I'm filming my new standup special in Milwaukee at the Riverside Theater on November 14th and 15th. Tickets are available in Milwaukee for the November 14th show only. I'll also be in El Paso, Tucson, and Colorado Springs this weekend. Get your tickets now at tomsegura.com/tour.

Bert Kreischer (0:24)

Brand new episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. And for my birthday, I got my favorite guy in the world.

Duncan Trussell (0:30)

Thank you.

Bert Kreischer (0:32)

And my daughter's favorite podcaster, comedian. It is a pleasure, Duncan Trussell.

Duncan Trussell (0:39)

Thank you for having me on, sir. Thank you. Thank you.

Bert Kreischer (0:43)

Today I turn, if you're watching this, it's November 3rd, and I turned 53 years old.

Duncan Trussell (0:48)

Congratulations.

Bert Kreischer (0:49)

Thank you. I think I did. I think I lived through the week. It's not there yet. If I die, this is going to be an eerie podcast.

Duncan Trussell (0:55)

Woo, baby.

Bert Kreischer (0:56)

Do you want to leave messages? What do you got? Do you have anything planned for your death?

Duncan Trussell (1:02)

I don't know. I go back and forth between like jumping off a building or self-immolation.

Bert Kreischer (1:06)

No, no, no. I'm not killing yourself.

No, no, no. Maybe a gun or a rope. No, have you ever... Do you have a plan for like the day you die? Do you think about it often? You face death. You face death before any of us ever thought about death. You got to testicular cancer when you were-

Duncan Trussell (1:28)

That's right.

Bert Kreischer (1:29)

Yeah. You were the first one of us. I think about it all the time. You were diagnosed when you were hunting for Bigfoot with Joe Rogan.

Duncan Trussell (1:37)

No, it was after that.

Bert Kreischer (1:38)

Oh, but you had testicular-

Duncan Trussell (1:39)

It wasn't during the Bigfoot hunt, which would be wild.

Bert Kreischer (1:42)

That's what I thought it was during.

Duncan Trussell (1:44)

No. Who diagnosed me out there?

Bert Kreischer (1:48)

I thought it was you and Rogan in a tent. Joe, what is this?

Tom Segura (1:51)

Is this cancer?

Bert Kreischer (1:52)

That's not how it happened? Do you know I've told that story to so many people? I've talked about it so much because I called you when I found the lump in my nuts and you talked to me. You're like, Bert, it was the size of a lemon.

Duncan Trussell (2:03)

No, what happened is the Squatchers, they told me that Bigfoot is attracted to cancerous balls and they're like, I've never seen so many show up. One of you guys has ball cancer.

Bert Kreischer (2:18)

Wait, what was the connection with you and Bigfoot and testicular cancer then?

Duncan Trussell (2:22)

There was until just now.

Bert Kreischer (2:25)

For real?

Duncan Trussell (2:25)

There's never been a connection.

Bert Kreischer (2:27)

Duncan, I've told that to so many people.

Duncan Trussell (2:29)

I'm so glad. I wish I had said that. When we were out looking for Bigfoot, I felt an ache.

Bert Kreischer (2:37)

I thought you were like walking around a lot, you were looking for Bigfoot, and then that night you found a lump in your sack, and you and Joe discovered it together.

Duncan Trussell (2:48)

Okay, what happened is I saw Bigfoot's balls, and Joe was like, Jesus, those are giant balls. I'm like, what do you mean? That's what my balls look like. And he's like, dude, that's not normal. You should get that checked out.

Bert Kreischer (3:01)

Right now, my daughter is listening to this, and she's going, dad, shut the fuck up and let Duncan talk.

Duncan Trussell (3:06)

No, you're hilarious.

Bert Kreischer (3:08)

What do you have planned for your death? Do you have any thoughts about the, when you, like, do you want a funeral? Like, people don't do funerals anymore. Do you want a funeral?

Duncan Trussell (3:18)

Oh, I mean, I think that's like kind of one of the great conveniences of dying, is you don't have to worry about that shit.

Bert Kreischer (3:27)

I think about it.

Duncan Trussell (3:28)

Yeah, your funeral?

Bert Kreischer (3:29)

I think about it.

Duncan Trussell (3:30)

So what's your plan?

Bert Kreischer (3:31)

I want a big funeral. I know the list of people I want to talk at my funeral.

Duncan Trussell (3:34)

Okay.

Bert Kreischer (3:36)

And I want it to be huge. I was thinking about doing a merch drop the day I die.

Duncan Trussell (3:41)

That's a great idea.

Bert Kreischer (3:42)

Right? Put my kids over for some money.