Could sofa theory help you find your ideal partner?

Joseph Chance (0:04)

Could the sofa theory help you find your ideal partner?

Thanks for asking.

Picture the scene. A woman is sitting in a bar when a man comes up to try to talk to her. She finds him attractive but acts disinterested and more or less ignores him in order to not seem desperate. The man gives up and leaves the woman alone, but she then feels dissatisfied that he hasn't persisted. It might seem like a counterintuitive approach, but according to American psychotherapist, Ellnor Greenberg, it's all too common. Writing for Psychology Today in February 2023, she explained that her female clients often tell her the same kind of story in therapy sessions. In some cases, failure to enter a relationship may be down to a fear of rejection, being judged, or seeming too desperate like in the scenario I just mentioned. Those observations led Greenberg to come up with what she calls the sofa theory of dating, suggesting that searching for a partner should be approached in the same way as shopping for a sofa. I don't get it. What are the similarities between a sofa and a romantic partner? Well, Greenberg designed the theory to help her patients be more efficient and realistic in their quest for the ideal partner. She calls it a pragmatic approach to dating that bypasses a lot of the emotional angst that is attached to trying to find a mate. And it comes with five basic rules to apply when looking for a romantic partner. Rule one, to find a sofa, go to places where they sell sofas. In the context of finding a partner, that equates to being proactive rather than passive and looking for potential single partners rather than simply hoping you'll meet someone randomly. It's important to step out of your comfort zone and visit places that align with your interests in order to meet like minded people. The other rules are as follows. Rule two, if you didn't find a sofa at the first place you looked, go to other places. That means it's important to keep on looking and be creative about where you look for potential partners. Rule three, don't worry about looking desperate. After all, no one plays hard to get with a sofa salesman, do they? Rule four, choose appropriate people to ask out, i.e. you should be realistic about who you ask out and make sure you have enough in common.

And finally, rule five, play to your strengths. That effectively means looking in places where the potential partners are most likely to appreciate you for your specific best qualities.

Does the sofa theory really work? In her Psychology Today article, Greenberg gave a few examples where it has worked for her patients, like that of a man who said that his strengths were that he was religious, respectful and had a strong moral codes. According to Greenberg, following rule five of the sofa theory, he then stopped looking in bars and online dating sites and found his mate through his church's singles group. The approach won't necessarily work for everyone, but if you're struggling to meet someone in your search for love, you may want to consider trying it out. There you have it.

Now you know what the sofa theory is. In under three minutes, we answer your questions and help you understand the true meaning behind the trends, concepts and acronyms that are making headlines. Listen along and you will really know for sure.