Chris & Stavvy Save Christmas!

SPEAKER_1 (0:00)

100% Cute.

Stavros Halkias (0:05)

Ho, ho, ho! Merry 2 Bearsmas, everyone! Merry, Merry Winter Bearsmas! Yes!

Chris Distefano (0:13)

I like it!

Stavros Halkias (0:13)

The best, the greatest holiday in podcasting. Merry Substitute 2 Bears 1 Cavesmas, everyone!

Chris Distefano (0:21)

Yes, your Christmas gift from YMH this year is you have yet another week that you don't have to listen to Tom and Bert. That's what we wrapped up.

Stavros Halkias (0:31)

But I am, they did, contractually, I did have to be shirtless one episode.

Chris Distefano (0:35)

That's what it is, yes.

Stavros Halkias (0:36)

And we figured why, what more festive occasion than 2 Bearsmas?

Chris Distefano (0:42)

Yeah, contractually, you had to go shirtless and I had to remind the audience that they're poor.

Stavros Halkias (0:46)

Yeah, well you had to strangle a Guatemalan outside. You had to strangle a gardener to get in Tom's brain.

Chris Distefano (0:54)

Yeah, dude, I can't wait, like we're having a good time, me and you, like we're joking around, we're being silly. I can't wait to eventually get like a legal notice from Bert Kreischer's legal team, not like what we've said about him is not okay. I feel like Tom doesn't care, but Bert will kill us for this.

Stavros Halkias (1:12)

Tom would do it, Tom would secretly have it done. Tom would just over the course of our lives sort of like, he would kind of make us, you ever see Oldboy? Where they, spoiler for everyone who hasn't seen Oldboy, it's a classic. He, an enemy makes one of his former enemies fall in love and fuck his own daughter. I feel like Tom would do that to you. He would Oldboy you with one of your, what would happen is he would fake your daughter's death in a car accident. Then he would raise her, right? He would raise her in captivity, you know, make her, teach her about the Mets, teach her about stuff that you would be into. Then he would like, you would have a traumatic brain injury, right? He would, he would make, then he would put you, he's two car accidents we're up to. He would make you have a traumatic car accident, traumatic brain injury. Jasmine would move on, everyone's forgotten you. Then in rehab, there's this, there's this half Italian, half Latina nurse who just really takes care of you. You guys, there's something special about your connection. You can't just put your finger on it. He would make you fall in love with your daughter, and then only after you've consummated it would he reveal, that's for talking shit on Don Fucking Two Bears.

That's for saying we fucking phoned in the podcast. I think that's what's gonna happen.

Chris Distefano (2:26)

Yeah, well, and that'll be like you said, take years and just be able to, where Bert Kreischer will just come and hit us with a baseball bat as we're walking into a funny bone.

SPEAKER_4 (2:35)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stavros Halkias (2:36)

And then he would cry and apologize and tell us how much he loves us. And you know what, it would be forgiven.

Chris Distefano (2:42)

It would be forgiven, yeah. Yeah, I would know that it's him. As I'm losing consciousness, I just see jeans and flip-flops and someone laughing at the top of his lungs. And my last words are gonna be like, Bert, it's not that funny.

Stavros Halkias (2:58)

I know, well, listen, I empathize, I am. People often accuse me of faking my laugh, but I really am just having a good time. I just love laughter, man.

Chris Distefano (3:08)

I believe that, and honestly, I'm envious of that, because I don't laugh as much as you and Bert do. You guys are getting it out. You're getting it off your chest. Now, you and Bert need to get it off your chest, because you'll have a heart attack. There will be, yeah, yeah.

Stavros Halkias (3:19)

Maybe that high-pitched dolphin thing is just something escaping his aorta. Maybe that's the sound air makes when it comes out of four blocked arteries.

Chris Distefano (3:30)

Oh, yeah. Now, their Christmas, we've asked, of course, in continuing with the theme of They Don't Care About the Show, we've asked them to send in what they're doing for Christmas. We've gotten no response. So that's just the way it goes. So what are you doing for Christmas?

Stavros Halkias (3:45)

What am I doing for Christmas? Well, yeah, this year, Baltimore Christmas, my brother had a kid.

Tom Segura (3:53)

Shout out to Stavvy's bro.

Stavros Halkias (3:54)

I have a fat little nephew. He's so fucking cute. He honestly looks like a kid, because my brother is more blonde. He takes after my brother. My brother's blonde.