Bert's Not Dead

Bert Kreischer (0:00)

100%. Let me tell you something. I'm going to be real, okay? Look, we all grew up in McDonald's. McDonald's fucking rocks. McDonald's is awesome. But I'm going to be really honest. McDonald's Big Mac, their signature sandwich, does not hold a candle to a Whopper with cheese or to a Baconator. And that is fucking facts.

Tom Segura (0:20)

Wow.

Bert Kreischer (0:21)

Okay? Yeah, and we did a taste test here in the thing. McDonald's cheeseburgers, McDonald's fries are tops. No one's ever going to beat McDonald's fries.

Tom Segura (0:28)

I was going to say, because I think anyone's opinion becomes invalid if they start putting other fries above Mickey D's fries.

Bert Kreischer (0:35)

It's impossible. It's impossible. McDonald's...

Tom Segura (0:39)

And piping hot, by the way. Piping hot. I want it to burn me.

Bert Kreischer (0:43)

I want it to burn my fingers and I want my mouth. Isn't it crazy how your fingers will burn harder than your mouth? Like if you touch a hot wing, you're like, Oh, those are hot. But then you put it in your mouth, it's not that bad.

Tom Segura (0:52)

Well, I actually finally go.

Bert Kreischer (0:55)

Okay, ready? Let's go to brands. Buffalo Wild Wings or Hooters?

Tom Segura (0:59)

Wild Wings. You'd go for Hooters?

Bert Kreischer (1:03)

Now, I'm going to tell you, I just think that...

Tom Segura (1:06)

I haven't had either in a while.

Bert Kreischer (1:08)

I've had Buffalo Wild Wings almost every weekend.

Tom Segura (1:10)

Oh, it's a weekend treat.

Bert Kreischer (1:11)

Oh, I do it. So I do it so often. It's fucking crazy.

Tom Segura (1:14)

I have gone to Buffalo Wild Wings the last time I went and I was like, you know, they have all the, they're like, there's 30 different flavors. I'm like, I guess I'll get all 30 And then I realized, oh, I have 300 wings. And it's way too much.

Bert Kreischer (1:28)

Buffalo Wild Wings has, so Hooters leaned into like sex.

Tom Segura (1:33)

Yeah.

Bert Kreischer (1:33)

And then football was secondary, but it was sex. Then you're supposed to like Google the chicks and they were mid.

Tom Segura (1:40)

The, did you, I used to work with a guy in post-production that I couldn't believe it. He was just like, yeah, there's, I go to, I go to Hooters all the time and I was like, oh really? He's like, yeah, but like one of the girls there likes me. And I was like, really? He's like, yeah, she's always like happy to see me. And I was like, oh my God, this is so sad. Let's go together. I want to see this.

Bert Kreischer (2:00)

I remember going to Hooters, we went to Hooters every Monday night in college.

Tom Segura (2:05)

For Monday night football?

Bert Kreischer (2:06)

What?

Tom Segura (2:06)

For Monday night football?

Bert Kreischer (2:07)

Monday night football and a scalp hunters meeting. Every Monday night we went to Hooters, every fucking Monday night.

And I love Hooters, I love their breaded wings. Their wings are breaded, their shrimp poppers are amazing. Their grouper sandwich, one of the two best grouper sandwiches I've ever had in my life.

Tom Segura (2:27)

Seriously?

Bert Kreischer (2:28)

I love a blackened grouper sandwich.

Tom Segura (2:31)

Did you go to Outback Steakhouse too?

Bert Kreischer (2:33)

Fucking loved Outback Steakhouse.

Tom Segura (2:34)

I used to go so much.

Bert Kreischer (2:35)

Do you remember when the first time?

Tom Segura (2:37)

Are they still around or have they gone bankrupt?

Bert Kreischer (2:39)

Please say they're still around.

Tom Segura (2:40)

But they have to have less locations, right? I feel like I don't see as nearly as...

Bert Kreischer (2:44)

Ever since the Aussies kind of dropped off after fucking Crocodile Dundee. That was their big shoe in the door was like, Crocodile D, you don't call that an eye from like, you want a steak? Oh, if you want a steak, I'll buy you another shrimp on the barbie.

Tom Segura (2:55)

There's so many people in America that believe that Outback Steakhouse is a direct representation of Australian lifestyle.

Bert Kreischer (3:01)

Oh, yeah. Dude, do you remember there's two dishes, two signature dishes that I remember seeing for the first time in my life.

Tom Segura (3:10)

Oh my God. Hold on. I just remembered too that eating myself sick on a Blooming Onion.

Bert Kreischer (3:16)

The Blooming Onion. The first time you saw a Blooming Onion.

Tom Segura (3:19)

And then a while later, there was data about what it is calorically. And they're just like, you should just hang yourself if you're going to eat this. Pull it up. The Blooming Onion is a death bomb. I was like, I'm eating six a month.