Bert Calls His Dead Grandma

Tom Segura (0:05)

All right, welcome to another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. It's your favorite podcasters, Tom and Bert. So, how are you feeling today? Is your self-esteem up?

Bert Kreischer (0:24)

My self-esteem is through the roof, Tommy.

Tom Segura (0:27)

Wow, that's great, man.

Bert Kreischer (0:29)

I have a joke that I've written that it happened to me and you know, you're the one that kind of created the joke.

Tom Segura (0:37)

Really?

Bert Kreischer (0:37)

Yeah, I have two jokes about you in my new hour.

Tom Segura (0:40)

Oh boy.

Bert Kreischer (0:40)

I have two jokes about you, but this one's my favorite one and it's so good, Tom. It's better than anything I've ever written because the punch line is just two words and I don't need to say anything other than I'm so proud of this joke. I'm so proud of this joke.

Tom Segura (0:57)

I'm excited to see it.

Bert Kreischer (0:58)

So only reason I fucking love stand up. I don't love anything the way I love stand up. The feeling only us, meaning like me, you, Louis, Stan Hope, Rogan, Shane, you know, all we only us real true pure stand ups know the joy in figuring something out and making it funny and then tweaking it to make it more funny. It is the fucking greatest.

Tom Segura (1:28)

I, it's the most addictive component of doing stand up. It's why you can't quit. It's because you just, there is no thrill like figuring out a joke. It is the most fun.

Bert Kreischer (1:40)

It's better than a phone call from my daughter. Can I tell you the craziest, I'll tell you the craziest story Tom?

Tom Segura (1:48)

Yeah.

Bert Kreischer (1:49)

Okay. And I'm not going to get emotional at all, but this is a wild, wild story. So, you know, we put Mac down, our bowl mass dip when we were in Hawaii.

Tom Segura (2:00)

Oh shit, I didn't know that dude.

Bert Kreischer (2:02)

Oh yeah. We, he had cancer, you know, he lasted through the whole time of me filming this, the series, we get home, we take one quick trip to Hawaii and he goes into the hospital and they're like, it's not going to be good. It's not good. He's not coming out. I mean, there's so much to this that I'm not telling. And that, you know, Pete, my old assistant, Pete, had to go and be with Mac when they put him down and hold it on FaceTime for us in Hawaii. Tom, it was brutal. It was brutal. And, I mean, and it was so crazy. As much as I told the story about putting down Priscilla, I relived that to a tee, Tom. I relived all of the anger and frustration. And then the second Mac starts, like, his breathing slowed down, I just started fucking dumping. It was crazy. Anyway, so we put Mac down.

Georgia, everyone goes back to normal. I think, I really think we need another dog, because Izzy's super sad. But I get a call from Georgia, or a text from Georgia the other day. It's actually Leanne in Georgia.

Georgia texts Leanne, she, Georgia's at work, I'm sorry, I'm fucking this up. Georgia's at work, she's a bartender and waitress. She goes over to a table, to wait on the table, and the lady has a bullmastiff. And Georgia gets a little emotional, and she goes, wow, we just, we have bullmastiffs. And the lady said, really? And she goes, yeah. And Georgia goes, we just had to put our big guy down. And she goes, where did you get your bullmastiff? And Georgia goes, Arizona. She goes, do you know the name of the kennel? And Georgia goes, I don't. She goes, is it Desert Sky? And Georgia goes, as a matter of fact, it is Desert Sky. She goes, that's crazy. She goes, do you know the parents of the, of your bullmastiff? She goes, I don't. So she calls up Leanne and she goes, mom, do you know the Max parents? She goes, it's Whalen and Loretta Lynn are the two parents. And Georgia goes over to the lady and she goes, Whalen and Loretta Lynn. And the lady freezes. She goes, how old was your dog? Georgia goes, five. She looks down and she goes, this is Max's sister. It's our dog's sister. That lady had got our dog's sister. Now, Georgia's looking at Max's sister. Same litter, same parents. And Georgia just starts bawling. And the lady's like, you know, I go out of town a lot. Do you ever want a dog sit for me? And Georgia's like, are you fucking kidding? I'll dog sit for free. How crazy is that?