Are your dealbreakers sabotaging your love life? | Amy Chan

Elise Hu (0:03)

You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hu.

Amy Chan has spent two decades as a dating columnist and relationship expert, and she's noticed something. We've never been pickier or lonelier.

Amy Chan (0:20)

Researchers are warning we are in a relationship recession. So what's driving this?

Elise Hu (0:26)

Her advice for getting out of it? Date the short guy or the quiet one or the person who's nothing like your type.

Amy Chan (0:34)

People say they want love and then eliminate the very people they can build it with.

I've helped people who were perpetually single, stuck in situationship purgatory, create healthy, lasting relationships. But only after they stopped doing the very thing they thought was protecting them.

Elise Hu (0:57)

In her talk, Amy lays out the three hidden forces working against us, our brains, and our dating apps. She shares why the qualities we chase the hardest are exactly the ones that matter least, pointing to a study of 11,000 couples that found the things we obsess over early, rarely predict whether love will last.

Amy Chan (1:18)

But you know what did? The quiet qualities. Whether your partner is committed to you. Whether you feel appreciated by them.

How well you handle conflict together. The stuff that only shows up on a random Tuesday when you're sick, and they bring you soup without you having to ask.

Elise Hu (1:37)

And Amy would know, but knowing all of this still almost wasn't enough. She nearly swiped past the best relationship of her life, all because of one bad photo. That's coming up after a short break.

And now our TED Talk of the day.

Amy Chan (2:00)

I'm sitting with my client. Let's call her Lisa. She looks me straight in the eye and tells me she's ready for a relationship. So I ask what she's looking for in a partner. Someone kind, emotionally available, family oriented. Great. We're off to a good start. She then tells me her deal breakers. No one's selfish, dishonest, rude to service staff. Yes, reasonable. She then adds, no one under six feet tall.

I'm not here to judge. We all have our lists, but the six foot height requirement, the math isn't mathen. In America, about 14% of men are six feet or taller. Her dating pool just turned into a puddle. Now, I'm not here to just pick on heights. You know, replace that with status, income, looks, if they're a Leo or God forbid, a Gemini. The specifics change, but the pattern remains the same. People say they want love, and then eliminate the very people they can build it with. I've seen this for two decades as a dating columnist and running breakup boot camps. I've helped people who are perpetually single, stuck in situationship purgatory, create healthy, lasting relationships. But only after they stopped doing the very thing they thought was protecting them. That's what we're going to unpack. People are not forming relationships like they used to. Last year, a study by Match and the Kinsey Institute found that half of US singles went on a total of zero dates last year.

Researchers are warning, we are in a relationship recession. So what's driving this? There are three forces working against us. Our brain, our culture, and technology. Let's start with the brain. Human beings evolved with negativity bias. 100,000 years ago, if you missed a threat, a tiger in the grass, a snake by your foot, you could die. So the brain got really good at scanning for signs of danger. Now this wiring kept our ancestors alive. This same wiring is wreaking havoc on our dating lives. Imagine you're on a date. About an hour in, the conversation's flowing, they're laughing at your jokes. And then they tell you, they don't really read books. They prefer podcasts instead.

An alarm bell goes off in your brain, and you start panicking, what else is wrong with this person?

Once your brain starts scanning for flaws, it starts finding them everywhere. Suddenly, the way they chew is a little too loud. They're not making enough eye contact. They're making too much eye contact. Did they just say jif instead of gif?

Your brain decides this person is no longer a romantic prospect and banished to the Icklis they go. Now, if this was just about our brain's wiring, we could override this. But there's a second force working against us, our culture. Our culture has turned flaw hunting into a collective sport. Just scroll through social media, what do you see? Dating horror stories, red flags to look out for. It's resulted in a generation of daters who are quick to Ick, constantly looking for what could go wrong instead of what could go right.