330. Quick Thinks: A CLEAR Way Through Conflict

Matt Abrahams (1:25)

Conflict and challenge can arise in a flash. Being able to communicate calmly and clearly in these situations can have a huge impact on your short and long-term relationships. My name is Matt Abrahams, and I teach Strategic Communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to this special Quick Thinks episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. I am thrilled to share that an updated version of my Think Faster, Talk Smarter book and audiobook is now available. I've added content that shares how best to leverage AI for spontaneous speaking, how to reduce the added communication anxiety AI can bring, along with many other best practices I've learned since the book first came out. Additionally, I've added a chapter many people requested on how to handle in-the-moment conflict. Take a listen to an excerpt from the updated audiobook on how to better manage emotional challenges that can flare up in our relationships.

Application number seven: staying calm, focused, and clear when conflict strikes.

Key insight. Years ago, a friend of mine ran into some unexpected trouble during a birthday dinner for his sister that he was hosting. As my friend was slicing up his sister's favorite roast chicken dish, she made a snide remark about his parenting skills. Feeling hurt and offended, he couldn't help but lob some bitter insults back at her. Their dispute escalated, and despite the efforts of other family members to intervene, his sister stormed out. The two didn't speak for a few years. Today, my friend realizes that their rupture didn't have to happen, but was spurred by the spontaneous, unpredictable nature of the conflict. Caught by surprise, he simply couldn't handle the situation as calmly and productively as he might have. Conflicts in relationships might be unpleasant, but they aren't inherently bad. In fact, they're essential. Research suggests that conflict, when properly handled, can lead to better work outcomes, stronger relationships, and creative problem-solving. The key is to overcome the strong emotions that seize hold of us when we unexpectedly find ourselves under fire. The spontaneous nature of these moments is precisely what makes them so challenging. When someone takes offense at a comment we've made, or interrupts with sharp criticism, or says something that disappoints us and leaves us stewing, we know that an aggressive or otherwise ill-advised retort on our part will only make matters worse. We have to get our message right, but we're also usually not at our calmest, clearest, or most rational. These situations demand our very best communication precisely when our stress response undermines our ability to deliver it.

As Joseph Grenny, co-author of the book Crucial Conversations notes, "Under conditions of threat, we have a tendency to tell ourselves three kinds of stories: victim, villain, and helpless stories." In the moment, my friend might have convinced himself that he was a helpless victim who had been accosted by his sister. He hadn't done anything to deserve that. He might have framed his sister as the villain, someone who apparently feels entitled to say whatever she wants, regardless of whom she hurts. He might have justified the insults he threw at her by reasoning that he had no choice as he was under attack. Anyone affronted like he'd been would have responded similarly. He was helpless to respond otherwise. These three kinds of narratives work together to lock us into defensiveness. They amp up our emotions and justify unhealthy responses, creating what researchers call a conflict spiral in which negative emotions and expressions feed on themselves. We're not doomed to such spirals. With the right tools and a bit of practice, we can train ourselves to overcome the emotions that arise when we're caught by surprise so that we can respond in ways that strengthen our relationships. Although we might not always achieve the outcomes we want, we can boost our chances if we learn to manage conflict productively and disagree nicely Why it matters.

Understanding how to communicate effectively in these unplanned conflict moments is one of the most valuable skills we can develop. When we mishandle impromptu disagreements at work or at home, our productivity and that of others around us declines. Our relationships fracture, and we can suffer long-term damage to our reputations. We also miss the opportunity to learn about ourselves and others, which could lead to better solutions and set us up better for future interactions. When we become adept at disagreeing, we can become more effective, happier, and connected with others around us.

Craft your content.

A mountain of research exists around conflict, and I've been fortunate to have a number of experts appear on my Think Fast, Talk Smart podcast as guests. Coming away from these conversations, it occurred to me that devices from earlier in this audiobook, for instance, what, so what, now what, can help structure our communication responses in conflict, so we don't simply need another one. Instead, we need a method for cautiously laying the groundwork for an effective response. Before we can pin down precisely how to communicate when in the heat of conflict, we first must step back, calm ourselves, and interrogate the situation in a methodical way. Synthesizing the insights and approaches of my podcast guests, I've arrived at a five-step framework called CLEAR, C-L-E-A-R, that allows us to achieve a refreshing clarity even in the most heated moments.