You Never Really "Get Over" Grief

SPEAKER_1 (0:01)

The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

Kristin Cavallari (0:04)

This is Let's Be Honest with Kristin Cavallari, a podcast all about getting real and open on everything from sex, relationships, reality TV, wellness, family, and so much more. And just a fair warning, there will probably be some oversharing.

Hey, hey, hey, how is everybody? Happy Tuesday. Back for another one. Today is going to be an emotional one, I guess. I'm going to do a whole episode about grief, because every time I ask you guys what you want to talk about, I get so many requests to talk about my brother passing and then just grief in general. Unfortunately, a lot of people can relate to it. And I have done an episode about it. I did one years ago. It was right kind of, I think, in the earlier days of me podcasting. But I did it from Cabo, and I also coupled that episode with my Buffo experience, which if you're interested in that, God, I don't even know. I mean, that was that was years ago. I'm sure you could search Buffo in the title, I would think. I don't remember what it's called, but it is out there somewhere. But I figured today we can do one just specifically about grief, because I think when you're grieving, the most important thing, at least when I was, is relatability, I think. I think connecting with people who really understand what you're going through is the only thing that is comforting.

And what I mean by that is, and listen, unless you've been through it, you don't know. When I lost my brother, I just remember in my grief phase, almost being mad when people would text me and say, thinking of you, you're in my prayers, you're in my thoughts, because I would be like, what the fuck is that going to do for me? Like that does, like stop. Like I would rather you not even say anything. And by the way, before I lost my brother, that's what I would say to people, because you don't know, unless you've been through it, you don't know what to say. You don't know what it feels like.

And it's so different now. And by the way, my advice, if you haven't lost someone and you know someone who has, what I always found the most comforting is people who would tell you a really good memory. So like when people would text me and be like, Mike was the funniest guy. Like I remember when he did X, Y and Z. Cause like remembering the good times when you lose someone is the best, right? And so when people could tell me a funny memory or like what they loved about him, I always loved that. Or when people could just keep it real with me and be like, this fucking sucks. Like that's not fair. Like your brother left way too early. And by the way, this is my personal experience. I'm sure a lot of people are different, but I remember saying to my mom, like it like infuriated me. Your thoughts and prayers like fuck off. You have no idea what I'm going through right now. Maybe that sounds harsh to a lot of people, but like when you lose someone that you love and especially unexpectedly. Okay, so let's back up. So for those of you that don't know, so I lost my brother. It'll be 11 years in November. And actually what happened was my daughter, Sailor, was born on Monday. This is in 2015 And my brother went missing that Friday. That Friday morning, they found his car in Utah, but they didn't find him. And so there was a two week period where I felt like I was on Unsolved Murder Mysteries, like that TV show, right? Where you're trying to piece it together. My mom, I was living in Chicago at the time. My mom was like, I don't know, 30 minutes from me. And so my mom would come over. And I think the only way for us to process it, obviously, and by the way, at this point, we're still holding out hope, like until you have a body. I think the natural thing to do is to hold on to a little bit of hope. And the way my mom and I would sort of process it is we would be like trying to track his steps. So let me back up. My brother at the time, my brother always struggled with drugs and alcohol. And it never seemed like he could never really kind of get his life together. And he always seemed really unhappy, quite honestly. And he was bipolar, kind of went undiagnosed. Like they diagnosed him when we were, I was in elementary school. No, sorry. Yeah, I was in elementary school. So he was in middle school. But my dad sort of convinced him not to take anything. And so he never he never was on medication. And so he and if that goes untreated as you get older, it only gets worse. So he would have these manias, these highs, these highs. And then he would get really, really low, right? And it was always this cycle. So in these manias, he would get really paranoid sometimes. And he had gotten himself so worked up that a gang was out to get him. Like he slept with a girl who I don't remember all of the details, but like he was worried that this woman was tied to a gang, and now the gang is out to get him, right? So he hadn't slept all weekend. And he got in his car from California, and he was driving to Chicago to come spend Thanksgiving with my mom and I and my family. And on his drive, he pulled off the highway in Utah, Moab, Utah, and crashed his car. Airbag went off.