You Can’t Unknow | Careless Ep 3

Nkechi (0:04)

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Ashley John-Baptiste (0:17)

First of all, they're here. What does it feel like looking at this stack of papers?

Nkechi (0:27)

Daunting, for sure.

Ashley John-Baptiste (0:31)

Nkechi and I are sitting at a table in The Observer's office in July with my producer, Madeleine.

I think we're both trying to stay calm and keep the mood light. But the truth is that sitting between us, heavy on the table is something huge. And I don't just mean that metaphorically, it's a massive stack of paper.

Nkechi (0:51)

This is all the same thing, but because obviously I had loads of missing pages and didn't have enough paper or ink. So technically it's all 350 pages.

Ashley John-Baptiste (1:03)

We've been talking about this moment for a long time and we've gone back and forth on where and how she would look through the files. But Nkechi's been steadfast in wanting to do it here and allowing us to record her opening them. It's been six years since Nkechi first attempted to get her records.

In 2020, she was told she could only view some of them in person at the council's town hall. And since she submitted this last subject access request, it's been eight months. Through all of the emails, the waiting, the calling, the frustration, her goal has felt clear to get hold of her records and find answers to her questions about her upbringing. But at this point...

Nkechi (1:46)

Um, I'm super anxious. I feel like there's been a lot building up to this point. And now they've arrived and I don't fully know what to expect. I don't know, it's just weird. Like, I don't think many people get to experience this. Most people hear about their life through their parents or their nan or members of their family. Whereas I have in my head some detailed logs from people of some of the hardest things I've ever experienced, or my parents have experienced, or my wider family have experienced. And so that also means it's not coming from a personal perspective. This is someone else's opinion.

And I guess that also means I don't know how to feel or what to anticipate in terms of the accuracy of it, I guess, it's someone else's interpretation of what my family looks like.

I don't know, I feel like I'm worried that sometimes not knowing is actually better. And I've gone into this being like, I need to know, I need to know, I need to know. But the thing with that is once you know, you can't unknow. So, hopefully knowledge is power.

Ashley John-Baptiste (3:20)

It might be patchy and a bit blurry, but Nkechi's current version of her childhood is at least familiar. She's had years to come to terms with it and to repair relationships with it. Currently, she's in a good place with both her parents. But could these records ruin that? I'm Ashley John-Baptiste and from Tortoise Investigates and The Observer, this is Careless, episode 3, You Can't Unknow.

Nkechi's waited long enough, but before she opens the files, there's one other interaction with the council that you should know about. Have you received any offer of therapeutic support?

Nkechi (4:11)

I did send an email to the lady my case had been allocated to, and I did sort of ask whether that was something that they'd be able to give me. And she basically just said no, because I'm older than 25, and so that means there isn't any therapeutic support available.

Ashley John-Baptiste (4:28)

She stipulated your age.

Nkechi (4:30)

Yeah, yeah, too old. Too old for therapy, mum.

There shouldn't be an age limit where you become forgotten about or become less worthy of emotional support. Most people, if not all people that are care experienced, have navigated some kind of trauma. And so therefore going through their files is naturally going to hash up all of that trauma. And then to be left to deal with that by yourself is cruel.

Ashley John-Baptiste (5:09)

Nkechi reassures me that she has a solid support system of friends and family. But I know from my own experience of reading my files that the impact can be huge and overwhelming. I think all three of us in the room are holding our breath as Nkechi turns over the first page.

It's something called a core assessment record from her school when she was just five years old. But before she can even read the first sentence, she stops.

Nkechi (5:38)

That's not even my birthday. That's wrong. I'm not born in 2000 I was born in 99

So someone ripped that down wrong. We're talking about accuracy and on the very first page, my date of birth is wrong.