You Can't Build an Authentic Life While Performing for Approval

**Matthew Gottesman** (0:02)
Welcome to The Niche Is You. My name is Matt Gottesman, at Matt Gottesman on Instagram, and this is my daily podcast where I create short, quick hitting episodes to help you uncomplicate life, creativity, and the pursuit of your highest self. There's only main character energy here. Now let's get into it.
Welcome to episode 848 You can't build an authentic life while performing for approval. You cannot build an authentic life while performing for approval. Now I know some of you are thinking, well, no, believe me, I'm the black sheep of the family.
I've always done things differently. Yes, that's very, very true. That could be very, very true.
If you are worried about likes for your content, if you're worried about how looking like a beginner feels, if you're worried about not doing maybe what the family thought you should be doing, if you're worried about, you know, will your friends choose these paths? You want to do something different? If you're worried about any number of things that is hoping for the approval of others, it can truly, truly, truly slow down who you are and who you're really meant to be.
Now, this isn't about rebellion of like, oh, you know, they're going to accept me for who I am. And it's not that. It's, let's say, you know, you were raised to, you know, take over the family business. And I get this, like, because like, maybe it's been in the generations, you know, I've known friends like this where, but they were like, no, I'm called to a whole different profession. And they truly wanted to live out that profession. Now, eventually, the family accepted it. But in the beginning, you know, it was not accepted, you know, they were not approving of that person's path, which was ironic because actually, it was a very noble profession, and it ended up this individual, he went on to become, do incredible things. I'm obviously preserving the integrity of the story by not giving the variables, because that's not really the main point. The point was that he went out on a limb, different than with the family business, which had been like two, three generations, and he's just like, that's not for me. And you can imagine there's disappointment in the family, because they're like, well, who's going to take this forward? That was always kind of like the next step, right? There's always a succession there. And, but he couldn't do it, because he was like, it's not authentic to where I feel I'm being called. So this happens, you know, whether that's in family or, you know, again, school, when you're very young, kind of gives you paints this picture of what approval of the path that you would choose. And then it also comes out in a lot of different other areas, too, right? There's this kind of like people building a version of themselves for not just to earn approval, but maybe like to be accepted, to be successful, or they perform to belong or whatnot. You're, you know, a lot of people preach independence. Well, that means you're going to have to sit with yourself. That means you're going to have to make decisions. My father taught me this when I was very, very, very young. And you guys have heard me mention my father several times about making decisions. He's like, son, like, you've got to learn to make decisions for yourself that feel autonomous and intuitive. And, you know, and when I was young, I said like, I'm scared I make the wrong decision. He's like, of course, there's moments you're going to make the wrong decision, because you don't know when to make a decision. And then life happens and you figure out what to do next. He's like, but you'll at least get comfortable making your own decisions.
And that means you will need less. At the time, I didn't know this, but it makes sense now why it's like, oh, it's less about the approval of others and more about asking God. You know what? I need to ask God. I need to be obedient to that. And that took me a while.
Like sometimes we don't even realize that we're, you know, trying to get an approval for something, because, you know, maybe how we're doing things has become so familiar, right? I'm telling you, though, in authentic life, the one that you feel most called to, it can't be built on performance. It can't be. And, you know, it's like it's also why you can even, this is also interesting. And I get people who ask me this as well because of, you know, content creation and the digital sphere. And I'll see some people that they're in the right industry, per se, but they're constantly performing their content versus just keeping it very real. Like, you don't have to be the guru. You could, like, you've got, they've got so much lived experience. I'm like, you could just talk from lived experience, and then people would trust you even more. Like, don't think that you have to perform the version that you think will sell for the product or service. You could just be the person that actually has a lot of lived experience and showing that humility and what you learned along the way, then earns the trust, and more people would want your product or service. You're like, oh, that makes a lot of sense. And we're seeing that shift now online. I've been kind of preaching it for a while, but finally we're starting to see that, and all of you recognize it. You see when somebody's performing. And it's okay, by the way, if that also might have been you at some point. I get it. I totally get it, you know? Performance is kind of like, I wanna, maybe you want someone to know that you have it all together, but like, you can have a lot of experience, be imperfect, and also be an expert that doesn't have all the answers. Like some of the greatest mentors, some of the wealthiest, most spiritual mentors I have ever had, they were not perfect. In fact, they got there from imperfections and humility and their ability to just be like, hey, I'm just figuring out like anybody else, but I'm willing to do so with a humble heart. You know, and of course, reverence, and of course, persistence and resilience and all those other things, right? So in this episode, I want to talk about why so many unknowingly build lives around approval instead of authenticity, how performance slowly disconnects you from who God created you to be. Again, I cannot stress this enough. I think a perfect example is when we see it online. You can even see it like in certain, you know, kind of celebrity culture, like you don't have to try harder to be the persona. You ever see there's certain celebrities that you just, you could, like they're the same online and offline, it seems like. Like they're just being themselves. And then you see all the others. You're like, okay, that's, you know, there's, you see this in, I think you see this in any visible profession. I really shouldn't say celebrity, because like that is what it is. Like I just think more so like any person that's become visible within any profession, some you could just see like you don't have to perform the role that you're fulfilling. You can just be exactly yourself. And then you see others that are just exactly themselves. I also want to talk about the difference between living from acceptance versus living for acceptance. I'm going to repeat that. The difference between living from acceptance versus living for acceptance. There is a profound difference between earning love and living from it. God doesn't ask us to perform God's love, right? God just invites us to live from it. That's just being yourself. It's just being yourself. And you don't have to over deliver the character of it either. It's just, all right, like here's, again, you ever just see there's certain people who just like, you just like the way that they just roll. They're very same online and offline. They're very like, you just feel what they're saying. There's not anything extra that they're trying to convince you of or perform for. They're just like, hey, you know, I think you see that a lot. Like a Keanu Reeves, you see that kind of a lot. Like he's never really trying to, you know, he's worth all this money, but it's just like, he's like, I'm just living a normal everyday life. Like I'm just doing my thing. He's just very personable, right? Also, I want to talk about how authenticity creates deeper peace, stronger relationships and more meaningful work. Why letting go of approval isn't about rebellion, it's about the alignment with yourself. So again, very important, like you're not trying to say to somebody else, like, oh, like, I'm going to rebel against, you know, you want this, so therefore I'm going to do the opposite. And then my father also always did, I love him for this, that he did this. He was like, I'm not going to tell you what to do, because if I tell you what to do and you do the opposite, you'll be upset at me. If you do what I tell you to do, and it doesn't necessarily work out in your plan, you'll be upset at me. He's like, son, you have to make your own decisions. He's like, just be present while you're doing them. Think before you do things. Get an idea of what are all the different possible outcomes. Then make a decision. I'm like, huh, okay. I really appreciate that he did that because, versus, he didn't want me rebelling against his advice, right? Basically, at the time, he was helping me learn about alignment. And finally, I want to talk about what it looks like to build a life that's true to your calling instead of everyone else's expectations. So, number one, performance often begins as protection. Most performance isn't about the pride per se. I think it can be, but I don't think it's not labeled like that. I think it's more about survival. Like, everyone learns, you know, often at a young age, what earns approval, like, right? The good grades, and the achievement, and the people, or excuse me, pleasing people, and looking successful, avoiding rejection, right? What school did you get into? You know, where did you get hired? And how did you get hired? What's the job title? The reason I have a problem with all the labels and the status and the title and all that other stuff is, it's one thing if it's a credential for the work well done versus using that as an approval mechanism of what category you should be in. That tells me nothing about your work ethic or your character or like your who you are.