Why Women Can't Find A Soulmate

**SPEAKER_1** (0:00)
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**SPEAKER_2** (0:31)
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**Dr. K** (1:04)
Hey chat, welcome to the Healthy GamerGG podcast. I'm Dr. Ollo Canogia, but you can call me Dr. K. I'm a psychiatrist, gamer and co-founder of Healthy Gamer. On this podcast, we explore mental health and life in the digital age, breaking down big ideas to help you better understand yourself and the world around you. So, let's dive right in.
A lot of people who are struggling to find the one are setting an impossible expectation for their partners to meet. Meeting your soulmate does not mean Happily Ever After. So oftentimes, when we have an anxious attachment style, what we fall in love with is not a person. We fall in love with a fantasy. Okay, Female Loneliness, Afraid of Turning Into a FemCell. Hey y'all, I'm very lonely and I'm on the verge of turning into a femcel. Navigating the internet as a woman often feels like meandering through a minefield of misogyny. Every space I frequent seems to be turning into a cesspool of inceldom and all things that lack empathy, and some of it is definitely seeping into my brain. I've been consuming a lot of pink-pilled content, especially this YouTuber called Manifestel, and diving into essays about pop culture analysis of rom-com tropes and Jungian psychology about anima projection. I get a lot of male attention because of my profession and my interests in male-dominated fields like gaming but never truly feel seen. I can't seem to find anyone who loves me for who I am. I was desired but never loved, a choice but never the one. My guy friends don't get it. They say, how can you call yourself a femcel if you've been in so many relationships and have 37,000 likes on Bumble? Just because someone is attractive, to be honest, I'm not even attractive. I'm average, but my profile is pretty funny, doesn't mean they can't face rejection or isolation. Quick aside, I don't know if you'll remember this, but we did a video on female bullying and attractive women are likely to be bullies, but they are also attractive. Attractiveness as a woman also increases your risk of being bullied. So women oftentimes bully attractive women. Attraction isn't the sole factor in building relationships and reducing it to that misses the entire point. The woman who first coined Incel wasn't fixated on appearances the way looks maxers these days are. Her goal was to talk about the difficulties in forming meaningful connections. But that's been hijacked into a superficial context over looks and genitals and body counts and that alpha, beta, sigma stuff. While I might not have difficulty attracting men, the connection often feels shallow. I think they don't see the real me, only the fantasy they projected onto me.
Once the fantasy wears off, I am unlovable. Sometimes, I feel so vengeful. I feel like every guy I've dated has just used me to level up and then discarded me, like I'm some manic pixie dream girl in some stupid male-centered romcom. I really need to decenter men from my life, but at the same time, I just want to be loved, held, seen, and understood. I'm caught in a tug of war between polarizing emotions. Each day I wake up, unsure which side will gain the upper hand, leaving me exhausted and confused. This is the longest I've been single since I was 17, and this year has been a total trainwreck romantically and sexually. Recently, I went to a wedding with my older cousin's sisters, and it stirred up some childhood wounds. As a kid, I always wanted to be like them, beautiful, feminine, graceless, effortless, happy. But I never felt like I belonged. Honestly, they're wonderful, and it's my own crap that I didn't fit in. Whole time, I had thoughts like, why can't I be normal? Why can't I be happy? Teenage me tried to cope by thinking, I don't fit in because I'm better than them, which is both cringey and untrue. But that was my tomboy pick-me era and I'm ashamed of it. I did seek wisdom from them and they empathized with me for the most part. They suggested I just shut up and go the arranged marriage route because that's where all the good men are. But I'm so scared that I won't be happy because I'm hard to love. So if I say no to marriage and convince myself this is how it's going to be and stay single forever, am I just a fem cell or just a sad 4B?