Why Saying No Is The Most Powerful Thing You Can Do

**Jake** (0:00)
Before we get into today's episode, a massive thank you to Apple Podcasts for including High Performance in their 2026 Creators We Love campaign. If you've just found the show, welcome. Nice to have you with us. Head to Apple Podcasts to see mine and Damian's favourite episodes from the last six years of High Performance.
Welcome along to another episode of High Performance. Today we're explaining to you why saying no is the most powerful thing you can do, because you would be amazed, and we'll talk about them in a moment. We'll hear some clips from some legendary conversations on High Performance, but you'd be amazed by how often even high achieving successful people who you think have got it all together spend too much of their time saying yes to things that they should say no to. How are you, Damian?

**Damian** (0:44)
I'm good, Jake, are you?

**Jake** (0:46)
Yeah, really good, thanks. So the reason for having this conversation today is twofold really. Actually, no, I'm going to say it's threefold. First of all, so many members of our community reach out to us, send us messages, DM us, saying, I just say no, saying, I just don't say no often enough. I say yes too much. The second reason for doing this is because I know it's a...
The second reason for doing this is because I know it's something that you have struggled with again and again and again over the years. And the third reason is because, as you know, I too struggled with it until I saw a very simple single line on social media a few months ago that said, no is a one word sentence.
Right? And that was so good for me. Because I hate saying no like so many people. Being a people pleaser is kind of great. I actually think generally, Damian, it's great to be a people pleaser. Like, how can it be a negative to want to make other people happy? But obviously there's a tipping point. And I always felt I had to over explain myself when I was giving someone a no answer. So that idea that no is a one word sentence, I think it's pretty powerful for people.

**Damian** (1:51)
I think it's brilliant. I think there's a word for what we're describing today called sociotropy, which is...

**Jake** (1:57)
Is that right?

**Damian** (1:58)
Yep, I looked it up because I knew that we were going to talk about this very topic and you're right, it's something I've struggled with for a long time. So trying to understand it before trying to understand how to do something different was really important to me. So sociotropy is the concern with making other people happy and maintaining social order. So it's people-pleasing in its very definition.
In one study though, this is the interesting thing that really stopped me and me trying to shape, was that when participants were asked to identify their friend's best and worst characteristics, while most people associated with people-pleasers with having an agreeable personality and generally regarded it as being a positive thing, some people thought you could overplay that too much. And surprisingly, being a people-pleaser was also seen as a negative trait. So the simplest method to know if you're suffering from sociotropy, listening to this today, is to know if you desire to please other people has gone too far where it starts to interrupt your own life or cause you difficulty. This episode is exactly the one for you.

**Jake** (3:06)
Okay, well, let's be honest then. Have you done anything this week where you said yes and you should have said no?

**Damian** (3:13)
No, I haven't, actually, no, it's been a good week for that. Like, and this is one of the things that we'll talk about a little while later on in the episode. But what I've learned to do is to create a buffer zone. Because again, there's research on this that says that, like, my instinct in a situation is just go, yep, okay, fine, and then I'll work out a way to do it. But just creating a couple of simple sentences like, can I think about that? Or can I just get back to you? Can I just check my diary? And sort of stop me brushing headlong into just saying yes, even when it might come at a cost to me?
What about you? Have you? Because I like the one sentence line.

**Jake** (3:52)
Oh, yeah.

**Damian** (3:53)
Yeah.

**Jake** (3:53)
It's good to know, but I'm still rubbish at saying no when I should say yes.

**Damian** (3:56)
Go on.

**Jake** (3:57)
Like what? Well, I'll tell you where I do it a lot, but I don't regret it is with the kids. So for example, I've been working a lot this week, I've been in the London, so we're recording this on a Friday. Yesterday, I was in London and Ipswich, the day before I was in Norwich, the day before I was in Switzerland, the day before I was in London, the day before I was in Norwich. So five days, five different cities every single day. And what I have said yes to every time is coming home and still taking the kids to school or still picking them up from school or still going to watch them play in their school sports or do their music. Now, that is definitely a bit of people pleasing there because I want my kids to know that dad was always there, right? And I actually, I'm not kind of including that in this conversation, right?