Why Conversations Go Wrong

Shankar Vedantam (0:00)

This is Hidden Brain, I'm Shankar Vedantam. One of the most famous comedy sketches of the 20th century is built on a simple misunderstanding.

SPEAKER_2 (0:09)

We just pretend that we're organizing a baseball team here at the retired actor's home. And I am the manager.

Shankar Vedantam (0:16)

It's the routine from Abbott and Costello, Who's on First?

SPEAKER_2 (0:20)

Well, let's see now, we have on our team, we have who's on first, what's on second, I don't know, is on third. That's what I want to find out, the guy's name. That's what I want to find out, the guy's name. Tell me who's on first, what's on second, I don't know who's on third.

Shankar Vedantam (0:30)

The duo first performed the sketch in the 1930s and continued to refine it over the next two decades. They rarely did it the same way twice.

SPEAKER_2 (0:39)

You know the guy's name on the baseball team? Well, go ahead, who's on first? Yes. I mean the guy's name. Who? The guy playing first. Who? The guy playing first base. Who? The guy on first base.

Who is on first? Why are you asking me for? I don't know.

Shankar Vedantam (0:51)

Part of what makes the skit funny is that we are in on the joke. But what happens when the joke's on us?

When real life conversations go off the rails because of miscommunication or a misunderstanding, it's no laughing matter.

Deborah Tannen (1:09)

There are so many things that could misfire. The pace at which you speak. How do you get to the point? The rhythms, the intonation patterns.

Humor, that is a minefield. How do you let people know that you're joking and that you're teasing?

Shankar Vedantam (1:27)

This week on Hidden Brain, how the unthinking patterns in the way we express ourselves can cause unneeded pain and conflict, and how we can learn to talk and listen better.

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You say tomato, I say tomato. If you travel abroad, you instinctively know that the customs in other countries are different. People have different ways of saying hello and goodbye, different rules for conversations with friends. In recent decades, the linguist Deborah Tannen has discovered that many of us don't need to travel to exotic lands to experience the bewilderment and confusion of cross-cultural communication. We can experience those very same feelings when we talk to our own siblings, parents, partners, friends and colleagues. She studies why this happens and how we can all have better conversations with the people in our lives. Deborah Tannen, welcome to Hidden Brain.

Deborah Tannen (4:21)

Such a pleasure to be here. Thank you.

Shankar Vedantam (4:24)

You were born in Brooklyn, New York. Your parents were immigrants, one from Poland, one from Russia.

They were both very alert to the ways people use language, but also alert to subtleties in human relationships. Can you tell me a little bit about the conversations you had at home and also the conversations you sometimes had about those conversations?

Deborah Tannen (4:45)

Yes. Both told stories about people and also things people had said and how people use language. My father, in particular, was really attuned to subtleties of language. And I remember one time he was telling me about an aunt that he had particularly liked. And he said, now there was this expression, chas v'chalila, with something like heaven forbid. And he said, but she said chalila v'chas.