Why Are Liberal Women Becoming Unhappy? - Brad Wilcox - #933

**Chris Williamson** (0:00)
What do you think about the story of the book Eat, Pray, Love?

**Brad Wilcox** (0:04)
Liz Gilbert's book obviously got a lot of attention, a lot of popularity among women especially. And it's at first glance really attractive and appealing. But what's striking about the book is that she ends off by this storybook romance in impossibly romantic Bali in Indonesia. She meets what seems like the perfect guy who's a feminist, a great cook, a great lover, et cetera, et cetera. They have this incredible connection. But then you learn 10 years later, Chris, what do you think happens?

**Chris Williamson** (0:40)
I already know how this story ends, unfortunately, because I did my research.

**Brad Wilcox** (0:44)
Yeah, she leaves him for another soulmate. And so the point I make about this story in my own book is that we have a kind of the soulmate myth out there. There's kind of like the perfect person that will complete us, with whom we'll have like really no major problems, and with whom we'll have a kind of this incredible kind of romantic and emotional connection on a prigly regular basis. And I think the Eat, Pray, Love book and the last kind of storybook romance that she gives us in that book is kind of emblematic of this whole way of thinking and approaching relationships, love and marriage. And yet the problem with it, of course, is that by making feelings the foundation of love, feelings the foundation of marriage, you're kind of putting things on a very insecure footing. And that's why we see in the real world is that Liz Gilbert seems to go from one person to the next on a regular basis, including the guy that she meets at the end of, again, Eat, Pray, Love.

**Chris Williamson** (1:44)
I noticed that you de-gendered person because she pivoted from the guy in Bali to a woman for I think about five years. And then really sadly, that person passed away.
And then she started dating the woman's best friend who was a guy. And then recently announced that she was happily single at 55 and had broken up with that. So look, Elizabeth Gilbert, fantastic book, did very, very well, super successful. But I do think it's fair to say that she makes for a tenuous role model for happy marriage and love. I don't think that that's a particularly controversial thing to say.

**Brad Wilcox** (2:26)
Yeah, so I think kind of looking at love and marriage is primarily an opportunity to kind of have this strong emotional connection. And she talks too in her book about kind of her desire to kind of directly pursue happiness. If that's kind of, if you've kind of this more romanticized understanding of love and if you're directly seeking happiness in love or in marriage, I think you're kind of headed for trouble. And I think certainly her own life is emblematic of the way in which at least if kind of like your goal is to have a strong and stable marriage and family, kind of taking the Liz Gilbert soul media approach to love and marriage is not a great strategy.

**Chris Williamson** (3:02)
What's a better foundation or framework to build your marriage on than feelings?

**Brad Wilcox** (3:08)
Well, you know, St. Thomas Aquinas talked about love as kind of pursuing the good of the other. And in my book, I kind of talk about this in the sense of sort of having a family first approach to love and marriage, where you understand and appreciate that you're trying to pursue the good of your spouse and your marriage kind of more broadly, if you will. And then if you have kids kind of of your of your kids. So there's a kind of way in which I talk about a family first approach to marriage, which allows you to understand and appreciate that your marriage is about more than just an emotional connection. It's about kind of building a sense of solidarity in your relationship. It's about having a strong financial foundation that supports both you and your spouse. And then if you have kids and most people still do today, it's about kind of understanding and appreciating how much your marriage matters for your kids and really your kin more broadly. So this is kind of again a family first approach to marriage. And it kind of makes the emotional connection a little bit less important and helps you to understand and appreciate that there are really many different goods that you're pursuing in marriage. And having kind of that more diverse set of goods, I think makes you less nervous when you do have conflict or when things are incredibly romantic or wonderful in your emotional side of your relationship. Because you realize and appreciate that there are other dimensions of your marriage that matter and are worth honoring.