What if you had three different faces?

Whit Missildine (0:00)

This Is Actually Happening features real experiences that often include traumatic events. Please consult the show notes for specific content warnings on each episode and for more information about support services.

Grace Hartman (0:17)

I would look in the mirror, and my eyes wouldn't focus, because it was like my brain wasn't registering that that was me. Like I would look and that was not myself staring back.

I literally saw a stranger in the mirror.

Whit Missildine (0:40)

From Wondery, I'm Whit Missildine.

You are listening to This Is Actually Happening.

Episode 226 What if you had three different faces?

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Grace Hartman (3:27)

I think I had a virtually idealistic childhood. Of course, had some struggles. My parents got divorced when I was like five, but my parents really sheltered us from that.

I was always a little bit different, and I was always described very much as an old soul, from as long as I can remember. I was kind of like a mini adult, my brother and I were. Our favorite foods when we were like two, were iced tea, black and sweetened iced tea, and sushi. It was our favorite thing to eat, it's all we wanted to eat. We could talk politics at the dinner table at five years old. I've always been self-assured and knew who I was and very independent, and that has definitely sustained me. But looking back, I kind of regret that. I wish I had more time to be a kid and to have the innocence of the world that I've now lacked.

When I was an adolescent, I was virtually a normal kid. I was on the dance team. I did well in school. I was very academically driven, just kind of stumbling through as you do, trying to figure things out, trying to decide who I wanted to be.

When I was 15, I had started to struggle with my mental health, and that started to affect other parts of my life. I started to struggle in school more. I struggled in relationships with my friends and my family. I had just been finishing finals and excited for Christmas break and to see family. And I thought I had a cold, you know, I had a runny nose and had to plug my nose for all finals. It was very just basic flu kind of symptoms.

I had been going to all of these like urgent care, you know, just getting what I could to help me feel better, to get me through finals. And nobody was alarmed. I wasn't alarmed. I had been a very healthy kid my whole life. I barely ever went to the doctor. I was never sick. And so it kind of became a different world for me very quickly because it just wouldn't go away.