What Changes When You Finally Let Go of Control? | Thomas DeLong

Thomas DeLong (0:00)

I would just say that I've learned more and like myself more by seeding control.

Chip Conley (0:06)

Seeding control, not seeding.

Thomas DeLong (0:07)

Seeding, C-E-D-I-N-G. Seeding control and allowing things to play out as opposed to somehow me believing that I'm controlling things. And so for me, it's almost allowed me to take a breath. I have a deep and really take some deep breaths. I think that's what I've learned in the last 10 years.

SPEAKER_3 (0:30)

Welcome to the Midlife Chrysalis Podcast with Chip Conley, where we explore how midlife isn't a crisis, but a Chrysalis, a time of profound transformation that can lead to the most meaningful chapter of your life.

Chip Conley (0:45)

Welcome to Midlife Chrysalis, this is Chip Conley. And this is an interesting episode because we have heroes in life, right? And actually, frankly, a lot of us don't have heroes these days. I think that's one of the problems. But the person I'm interviewing on this episode is somebody I have only recently gotten to know. But he quickly became a hero for me and a bit of a role model. Tom DeLong was the Chief Development Officer and Managing Director of Morgan Stanley, in charge of all of the senior leaders at Morgan Stanley globally. And then he decided that that's not what he wanted to do anymore. And he went to Harvard Business School and has been there for three decades, primarily focused on career transformation and leadership development, but also just human potential. And he's a Mormon and he knows Clay Christensen quite well, who passed away, who was another Mormon, Harvard Business School professor, quite famously wrote the book on disruptive innovation. But the thing I love about Tom is he's just human. He is at 76 years old, somebody who is very open to expressing his foibles, his fears. And I think what you'll find in this episode is someone who later in life is realizing that the greatest gifts in life are quite small and intimate. They're not the big swath, you know, being on the Ted stage, having a New York Times bestseller, getting some big award. It's actually the smaller things that actually make life more interesting.

Hope you enjoyed the episode. At the end, I will give you my three key lessons.

Tom DeLong, welcome to The Midlife Chrysalis, my friend.

Thomas DeLong (2:28)

It's a privilege to be here, Chip. Thank you for the invitation.

Chip Conley (2:32)

Yeah, you're about 10 years older than me. What did you learn in the last 10 years?

What would you say? I know, I just start. I told Tom, for those of you watching and listening, this podcast, if there's a hallmark of this podcast, is to go deep and have fun. So let's focus on the depth right now, and you could have fun in describing the last 10 years.

Thomas DeLong (2:57)

I would just say that I've learned more and like myself more by seeding control.

Chip Conley (3:04)

Seeding control, not seeding.

Thomas DeLong (3:08)

Seeding control, allowing things to play out as opposed to somehow me believing that I'm controlling things.

So for me, it's almost allowed me to take a breath. I have a deep and really take some deep breaths. I think that's what I've learned in the last 10 years, to seed, just to seed control. As I say that, interestingly enough, I find my emotions kind of coming up.

Chip Conley (3:39)

What emotions come up, Tom, when you say that?

Thomas DeLong (3:42)

It's ironic in that I feel closer to people, but in ways that I didn't imagine. I thought that I had to communicate a lot. Let's say, let's use my kids as an example, or let's use friends as an example.

I've got to communicate. I've got to communicate. But it was out of I had to, and I think it was a way of thinking that I can control the content or the spirit of the relationship. If I, let's say, communicated more as opposed to letting go, and I think that needing control has a lot to do with in my, what makes me crazy about our world, is this notion of verticality, as opposed to having horizontal relationships.

Chip Conley (4:36)

You're saying verticality, let's, verticality, power structure?

Thomas DeLong (4:41)

I mean power structure. I mean talking to people rather than with people. Rather than inviting invitations to other, it is, well, you know, these are some things that you may want to do. Much more into the doing, as opposed to the being. So in an interesting way, I feel closer to some people, for example, my daughters, but I don't feel like I'm controlling them.