Tracy B. AFG Female

**Tracy** (0:00)
She's one of the strongest ladies I know. Without any more from me, I give you Tracy.
Ladies, good morning. What a privilege. I mean, what a privilege to be in this room with all of you. I really am grateful to be of service here today.
I was just sitting quietly, and the other night, I went to a meeting, and I heard a lead, and he was talking about this myth of a wounded soldier. And it's a Native American myth. And I guess what supposedly happened is that when these Native Americans were injured on the field, this wounded soldier would come and open his garment and show his wounds, and the soldier would be healed. And I thought, you know, that's exactly what we do here. You know, we come and we open our garments and share our wounds so that we can be healed. And so with that, I will begin my lead. My name is Tracy, and I'm a grateful Al-Anon.
It's good to see Chris.
The first women's retreat I went to, one of the jobs, my sponsor asked me to go to the Savannah Airport, and they said, pick up this woman. And I didn't know who she was or had a picture, but they said she looks like a very short Barbie.
And I had no trouble finding her. I saw her immediately, and I was like, okay. And we met, and it was like the most awesome ride from that airport back to the retreat center. I just fell in love with her. She is such an awesome woman. And anyway, so this has been quite a year for me. The end of January, I lost my mother. The end of May, I lost my father.
And so I'm especially grateful to be able to stand here today because without all of you, I wouldn't be able to stay in the solution. And it's been a challenge, I'll tell you. But anyways, so I was born in Columbus, Ohio, and my mother was a raging alcoholic, very violent, raging alcoholic.
And I had a whole accoutrement of toys and barbies and all kinds of things in my closet where I like to play a lot because it was a safe place.
And that's probably not very normal, but for me, that's where I hung out a lot. And the other thing that I like to do, and when I first started attending Elena, either that or I was in therapy or something, and I was talking about my perfectionism and how it's an issue, and it wasn't therapy. And she asked me, when did it start? And I said, well, and I let my higher power bring it up to the surface. And it was when I used to wash dishes and clean the kitchen perfectly to try to make my mom happy. And I thought, I didn't know what age, but I found a picture of myself. I was probably about four, standing on a stool with an apron.
And so some of the things that I've learned, and the other thing that I didn't know until I came into recovery, I thought that I was the most ugly child. Like I thought I was like an alien. I remember I had a dream once that these aliens came into my bedroom. And I was like, I kind of felt sort of alien-like. I just did not feel like the rest of the world. And I remember when I first started in recovery, I found a picture of myself as a little girl. And I was beautiful. And I had no idea. I was, I kept it by my bed for years. I mean, I just wept when I saw that because, you know, my perception of who I was was not true.
And so, Al-Anon not only gave me the ability to see differently who I was, but also my mother and my father. Al-Anon gave me back a beautiful relationship with my mother. And so, let me, so, okay, so, I started out and, you know, when I, you know, as I said, I felt completely different from the rest of the world. And my first interaction with Al-Anon, I met this guy in Hilton Head, and we were engaged, and, oh, my gosh, I thought he was the greatest thing because he, I was 19, he was 10 years older, he didn't work, he, you know, I had a trust fund, I didn't work, and we went around all day, and, you know, we would drink, and, you know, and that is one of the characteristics of children of alcoholics, alcoholism, and I'm in both programs. So, anyways, and there was one particular day where I went to see my mom, she lived in Hilton Head, and I had moved in with him on his 10,000 acre plantation, and I left him, went home, and then I got back to the plantation. He was with a woman, my birthday is in about a week and a half, and I'm going to be 56, but this woman was 50, and I thought, oh my God, she was like, you know, ancient. And they were having sex, and I was like, oh my God. I mean, now I think I'm so young. I mean, who could, 50, you know, but then at 19, I was horrified. And, you know, and they, there was empty vodka bottles, and et cetera, et cetera. So I left. Well, first I told his mom that I was leaving. She lived in another house on the plantation, and she came over and was like, you know, beating him with a rifle and everything, and like really upset. And like, I mean, it was crazy. And I left, and I called my mom. And, you know, my mom was in AA at this time, and she took him in. And I had nowhere to go. And she suggested I go to Al-Anon. And I was furious while I got to Al-Anon, and I started trying to tell them why I was there. I had this horrible boyfriend, and, oh my god, and they said, we don't talk about that here. And, you know, it was, you know, in the 70s, and they were pretty hard core. And I was like, what do you mean? There's nothing wrong with me. You know, what, you know, he's the problem. And, oh my gosh, I wish I would have stayed. I wish I would have stayed, because all the pain I would have missed out on. But, oh well, I didn't. I left. I was like, how dare you? You know, I'm out of here. And I proceeded to plow through many years of my life, until I was about 43 So, and when I came to Al-Anon again, there was a woman that was sharing, and she was talking this story about her father, and she went over to the house. They were about to go on vacation, and he had kicked the dog. And she said something to him about kicking the dog. And she said that he called all the family and all the relatives, and told how she was ruining his, they were getting ready to go on vacation, ruined his vacation, and for a year, he was upset. And something about that story, because when my mom would be abusive with me, she would get on the phone, and she would call all her friends, and she would talk about how horrible I was. You know, and I felt so powerless. I didn't know what that meant.