Theo Von: A Joke About A Funeral

Theo Von (0:03)

Yeah, it turned out, actually, that I was... I had a little bit more relation to Latinos than I thought, because my father was actually from Nicaragua. And he migrated here. I don't know, migrate, is that for animals? I don't even know what migrate is, but... Anyway, he came here in a V-formation. I don't know how he got here, okay? But he came here in 1922 My father was 70 when I was born. He was born in 1910 Which is kind of crazy, man. Dude, my grandfather was born in 1880 Yeah. We didn't have any pictures of him. Yeah. We had a description of my grandfather framed on the wall. Somebody wrote down what he looked like, and Mom framed it. And I'd go up by it and be like, just like him. I look just like him. I get it when Mom dies, okay? Anyway, so, um, so anyway, my dad couldn't work. And so my mom would work, and my father would be at home with us. And that's information. I'm giving you information, because now I want to tell you what happened. So when I was about nine years old, somebody died in our town, and I had to go to the funeral, you know, because my dad was always looking for free shit for us to do. Yeah, I'm not joking, man. My dad, his favorite thing to do is to get us a bag of pies from the Burger King, and then he would drop us off at the funeral parlor, see a couple matinees, you know? This week, you can still eat in the back of a funeral before all the legislation.

So anyway, my dad had to get me a suit. It was my first time at funerals. He had to get me a suit. It was right before Halloween. He gets me a Beetlejuice costume. Not as a joke, okay? This is a 79-year-old man shopping for a suit. He's at the pharmacy. He sees that swaggy one-piece suit. He's thinking, my son's been well-behaved. I'm gonna get him his $11 select piece, okay? So fast forward, I'm at a real funeral, okay?

Somebody's actually dead. And I have on a Beetlejuice costume...

suit, cobwebs on the shoulders.

Now, this is the part that really upsets some locals. I'm not sure if you've ever been to a funeral or not, or if you ever just met somebody that's dead, but there's, like, a unique moment. If you've never seen a dead body, you get to go see it. You get to go peak-see it. You know what I'm saying? You get to go see one, you know? It's kind of cool. Yeah, it's cool, man. It's like you get to eat a little insider trading, you know? So I hear that. I'm fucking second in line, right? The mom is in front of me. The dad is behind me. Of the deceased. And I'm Beetlejuice, you know?

So I don't know what to do. It's my turn to go up. I just start kind of waving at people. Doing the baby otter.

Doing all my best shit. What I don't realize while I'm up there, there's a knife in the back of the suit.

And the guy that died had been knifed out.

Small world. Watch Theo Von Regular People only on Netflix.