The Wrong (and Right) Way to Apologize

Jefferson Fisher (0:00)

Hey everybody, on October 10th, this Saturday at noon, I'm gonna be teaching a free live class where I'm announcing my first ever communication course, and I'm gonna teach my first free class right then and there. I hope to see you there. You can go to start.seddwell, that's the word said and the word well, together.com. I'm gonna put the link down below. Hope to see you there. Enjoy the episode. You had a very public conflict between you and another Christian artist, Forrest Frank, that affected a lot of people. Can you tell me what really happened between you and Forrest?

What have you had to unlearn about how you and your wife communicate?

Cory Asbury (0:42)

Yeah. Bro, our first year of marriage was tough.

We were sure we were gonna make it kind of thing, man. It was crazy.

And I think I came in... We're so selfish. And I think we don't realize that until we get married. We think, oh, I'm humble.

I'm so selfless. And then you get married and you're like, wait a sec. I have so much to learn. Yeah. So immediately it was a death to self in the most beautiful way. You know, you have to kind of lose your ego and your self-preservation, almost your self-preference, and go, I need to prefer this person now. I have to put them first every single time. And you know, when we would get into an argument, which we got into many arguments that first year, I mean, it was pretty much all arguments. Again, because mostly me, I was such a selfish piece of garbage. You know, just so self-centered and self-focused. Yeah. But when we would get into an argument, I was bent on winning. I wanted to win the argument because that's what you do, right? Right. You were mad, you know.

Jefferson Fisher (1:50)

That's what we do.

Cory Asbury (1:50)

That's what we do. Yeah. And I realized, you know, through the tutelage of a wise leader at that point, it's not about winning an argument. It's about winning their heart every time. And so I set out to go, I don't have to win. In fact, it's better to admit that I was wrong immediately. Find what I can own, right? Yeah. Go, dude, I screw this up, babe. I'm so sorry. That's my fault. And be the first to apologize. That was everything in those first really two years.

That was huge. But it's just been a slow progression of death to self for 20 years. Yeah. Just learning to prefer someone else.

Jefferson Fisher (2:31)

Or in year, what, 19?

Cory Asbury (2:33)

Yeah. Yeah. Going on 20

Jefferson Fisher (2:34)

How do you communicate differently now versus?

Cory Asbury (2:37)

So much more gently. I grew up with a dad who was a screamer and a yeller and a cusser, and our family was intense.

We would just hash it out. We'd go after it. Like that was normal in our family.

Jefferson Fisher (2:49)

Everyday battle.

Cory Asbury (2:49)

Oh, every day. That was so normal and unhealthy. Don't get me wrong. Right. Of course. Unhealthy in a lot of ways.

But my wife came from the exact opposite. Her parents never fought. Were they unhealthy and toxic? Absolutely. 100 percent. But they didn't show it to the family.

Jefferson Fisher (3:05)

Right.

Cory Asbury (3:06)

So she never saw that. So she just thought, oh, my parents are perfect. They never fight because they were hiding everything.

So then all of a sudden, we're getting into verbal altercations. And it's like, she's freaking out going, something's so wrong. And I'm sitting there going, no, this is, this is normal. Yeah. Like this is-

Jefferson Fisher (3:25)

You think this is an argument?

Cory Asbury (3:26)

Yeah. Like, no, this is, we're chilling. You think I'm yelling? This isn't yelling. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So I've had to learn gentleness, tenderness because it's not my nature.

That's not normal for me. I'm like, let's, let's fight.

Jefferson Fisher (3:40)

Like, how did you get to that mindset of, say, I hear you going, I had to come to her rather than demanding, what I think some spouses do say, they got to come to me.

Cory Asbury (3:49)

Yeah.

Jefferson Fisher (3:50)

In other words, what would it look like if you had said, I need you to start getting more aggressive. You just start yelling more.

Cory Asbury (3:55)

That's what I want.

Jefferson Fisher (3:57)

You know, you had a different mentality.

Cory Asbury (3:58)

That's a great question. And I think, to be honest with you, the first maybe five, maybe even more years were that, me asking her to meet me where I was at, again, because I'm selfish. I'm self-centered. Instead of thinking, I need to come to her level. And that's not to condescend to her level, but that's to bow low, even maybe in humility and meet her where she's at. But the first few years, bro, were intense. And I was trying to get her, hey, let's hash this thing out. Like, let's go.