The Things We Don't Say

**Shankar Vedantam** (0:00)
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This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. When children are very small, their minds are often an open book. They say what they mean. They blurt out things.
This can come across as both cruel and charming. The little boy laughs aloud when someone slips on a banana peel and gets hurt. The little girl tells her uncle that his face is ugly.
Enhance Christian Anderson's famous folktale, The Emperor's New Clothes, a child is the only one who speaks truth to power. The king has been taken in by conmen who pretend to clothe him in marvelous robes that are actually non-existent. The king's courtiers marvel at their majesty's fine garments, even though he is walking around naked. Finally, a small child blurts out what everyone can see, but no one wants to say aloud. The king is a fool.
The folktale has many parallels in real life. Authoritarian leaders throughout history have surrounded themselves with yes men who tell them their every action is wise and brave. When we listen to stories like The Emperor's New Clothes, most of us identify with the child. We think that if we were in that situation, we too would be honest. We too would speak truth to power. Today on the show, we explore the many ways in which we fail to say what we mean and mean what we say. It turns out, most of us are not the kid in the story. We are the courtiers.
The power and the peril of coming clean. This week on Hidden Brain.
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Get to the point. Don't mince your words. Lay it all on me. We have countless expressions about the value of being direct with others. And yet, as we go through life, we often don't just say what we mean. We hedge, we weave, we dodge. At Harvard University, psychologist Steven Pinker studies language, social relations, and the mind. He has thought deeply about what our evasions and euphemisms might reveal about us. Steve Pinker, welcome to Hidden Brain.

**Steven Pinker** (4:50)
Thank you.

**Shankar Vedantam** (4:51)
Steve, as an eminent member of the Harvard faculty, you are sometimes called upon to help the university president raise money. Tell me what this is like to you, to have to wine and dine potential donors?

**Steven Pinker** (5:04)
Well, there was one episode that sticks in memory. That was when the president of the university recruited me to have dinner with a, as they say, a high net worth individual. That is a euphemism for filthy rich. This was one of the world's highest net worth individuals, as the fundraising office says, or to use another euphemism, the development office.
And I took a train to Manhattan for the event. The goal, of course, was to solicit a very, very, very large donation, or again, another euphemism, a gift to Harvard from this high net worth individual. And it was at an expensive, quiet restaurant. We were, me and the university president, were seated at a quiet remote table, waiting for our partner to join us. We conferred, and the president indicated that we would see how the conversation proceeded. We wouldn't bring up the gift, obviously. In fact, I wouldn't bring it up at all. Establish a warm rapport, a mood of conviviality, of intimacy. And as we were having this conversation in this dark corner of a rather romantic restaurant, it reminded me of something. Kind of reminded me of when I was single and I was on a hot date.