The Sex Expert (Esther Perel): The Relationship Crisis No One Talks About That's Killing Your Sex Life!

Steven Bartlett (0:00)

So I messaged my closest friends, can you tell me what question you have that you wouldn't ever say out loud?

Esther Perel (0:06)

Give me a few.

Steven Bartlett (0:07)

How can I be satisfied with just one sexual partner?

Esther Perel (0:17)

We have a lot to talk about. Are you gonna record me to them?

Steven Bartlett (0:20)

All right.

Esther Perel (0:21)

Here's what I would suggest.

Steven Bartlett (0:23)

Esther Perel is regarded as one of the most sought after relationship therapists in the world.

SPEAKER_3 (0:27)

For the past 40 years, she's been helping millions of people with her brutally honest and wildly relatable insights.

Esther Perel (0:33)

People are having less sex.

Steven Bartlett (0:34)

Why? Is the sex getting less interesting?

Esther Perel (0:36)

No. Their life with each other is less interesting. And what concerns me at this moment, it's the loss of social skills. But they are vital to us. And we have less and less opportunities to practice because we are pursuing connection beyond the human world. People don't have partner sex. They have sex on porn. We also are surrounded by algorithmic perfections. And that's creating warped expectations that we bring to our relationships. And then there's the misery of the dating app.

Steven Bartlett (1:05)

Have you heard this story of the guy who swiped 2 million times to get one date?

Esther Perel (1:10)

Oh, God. It appears that you have many options, but you'll swipe, swipe, swipe. And you're going to get frustrated because you don't get matched with anybody. But don't make the app become the replacement where you can actually go outside, meet people, and also deal with rejection. Because it's a major feature to develop relationships. But we've never been more free, but we've never been more alone and more filled with self-doubt.

Steven Bartlett (1:34)

So tell me how to fix it in order to have a great relationship.

Esther Perel (1:36)

There's a ton of really important things. The first thing is.

Steven Bartlett (1:46)

Esther, with all that you know, and with all that you study, and with all that you research, and write about, and think about, what is it that concerns you most? What is front of mind for you when you think about mating and dating and human connection?

Esther Perel (2:01)

What concerns me most, I think, is the fact that there is a unique moment in history at this moment, where we are redesigning our communication, our ways of connecting, our ways of answering the big questions. But specifically in the realm of relationships, it's social atrophy. I think we are losing social skills.

Steven Bartlett (2:29)

And the word atrophy for anyone that doesn't know is decay.

Esther Perel (2:31)

Atrophy is when you don't use muscles. They go numb. Social atrophy is when you no longer know how to speak to people.

Steven Bartlett (2:39)

And what is the cost of that? If we do lose that social ability to connect and to have happenstance, what price do we pay? Why does life get harder and how does it get harder?

Esther Perel (2:50)

Because we are social creatures. We are wired for connection. If we live longer because we are connected, we don't live longer because we are master biohackers.

We need those connections. They are just literally vital to us. So it's not that we have replaced this, you know, and our skills are still honed in. We don't. We have less and less opportunities to practice. If you do sports and you don't practice your sport, you wouldn't be asking me what is the price. You would know that if you don't play and it's been years of not playing, then that thing is out of your life, done. But you can do other things. Whereas you can't live without connection.

Steven Bartlett (3:36)

So many people are really dissatisfied with the choices they have for connection. Now, I'm sure we're all to blame, but when I scroll through my feed on social media, one of the things I've seen lately, I saw it just before you arrived and also a couple of days ago, was people so angry at dating apps. I've got friends close to me who are furious that they're only a parent option to meet someone these days.

Esther Perel (4:00)

That's not true. Go outside, go walk your dog, go run, go with a bike group, go do life and you will meet people. I mean, you create situations. It's not where are the available situations, where are the options for meeting people. You create options. You're at a coffee shop, you're ordering a coffee, ask the person next to you if you can offer them one. Couldn't do something that actually invites relatedness. And I know the anger at the app. I get that, you know. I'm actually quite connected to this whole world of dating apps. But I think that it's a tool. Use it, but don't make it become the replacement for the multitudes of situations. Yesterday, I sat on a plane. I spoke for three hours with two people just because there was no Wi-Fi.