The Science of Happiness, Love & Human Connection with Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky #683

Sonja Lyubomirsky (0:01)

It's not necessarily the success leads to happiness, it's that happiness leads to success. When you are a happy person, your thoughts are flexible, your immune system is stronger, you're more likely to approach others, you're more confident, you're more optimistic, and all of those things can become self-fulfilling prophecies. When you feel better, you do better.

Dr Rangan Chatterjee (0:21)

Hey guys, how are you doing? Hope you're having a good week so far. My name is Dr Rangan Chatterjee, and this is my podcast, Feel Better, Live More.

If you can't shake the idea that happiness lies just around the corner, that you'll be happy when you achieve X, Y or Z, then this week's episode is for you. Sonja Lyubomirsky is distinguished professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside and the author of several best-selling books on happiness. Her very latest, written with the relationship scientist Harry Reis, is called How to Feel Loved, and it makes the case that being loved is not the same as feeling loved, and that this is the key to individual happiness and societal well-being. In our conversation, we explore the five mindsets which can help us feel more loved, the idea of hedonic adaptation, why those things we assume will make us happy only ever bring short-lived rewards, and we also discuss the fascinating research that links happiness to better physical health and immune function. We also explore cultural attitudes to happiness, what Sonja learned when she met the Dalai Lama, and we also try out some of the exercises from her book, Live in the Studio, which are designed to dissolve barriers and build closeness in minutes. By the end of this powerful conversation, you'll understand why forgiveness, curiosity, and honest conversation matter more for your happiness than almost anything else. And you'll feel more optimistic about your own potential to feel loved.

You've been studying happiness now for over 30 years. In your view, what are some of the common myths that exist about this topic?

Sonja Lyubomirsky (2:28)

Well, I think the most common one is this idea that like, I'm not happy now, but I'll be happy when. Like I'll be happy when I moved to that city I always wanted to live in. I'll have, when I have a baby, when I have that job that I always wanted, when I get a little bit more money, when I lose a little bit more weight.

And the problem with that myth is that there's a truth to it, right? Like you probably will be happier when you get that new job or have a baby or get a boyfriend.

But human beings adapt very quickly to positive changes in their lives. It's called hedonic adaptation, right? So we make more money and at first we're happy and then we're like, oh, well, it would be very nice to make even more. And so hedonic adaptation is a very powerful phenomenon. And so we adapt and then we want even more and even more. The problem is that you're the same person in that new job or that new relationship. And then if you tend to not be a very happy person, you bring that person with you.

Dr Rangan Chatterjee (3:18)

It's like in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, I think Robert Persig writes, the Zen you feel at the top of the mountain is the Zen you bring up the mountain with you. Same kind of idea, right?

Sonja Lyubomirsky (3:33)

Love that. Yeah, same idea.

So the idea is that changes in circumstances don't make you as happy as you think they will. Although if you're in a bad relationship, if you live in poverty, obviously changing those circumstances is going to help you. But for most people who are pretty comfortable, improving their life a little bit is not going to make them happier forever. And so it's really, it's a cliche, but what makes us happy is really something on the inside of us, not something on the outside of us.

Dr Rangan Chatterjee (4:01)

What's the relationship then between money and happiness?

Sonja Lyubomirsky (4:06)

You know, it's kind of nuanced. Money does make people happier, but it depends on what you spend it on, right? So if you, the way I like to think of it is that there's sort of three buckets of things that make people happy.

One is connection, two is contribution to society, three is personal growth. So if you spend your money on connecting with other people and, you know, paying for dinner with your friends, taking your nephew to the circus, if you spend your money on contributing, on helping others, whether it's philanthropy or just, you know, being generous, or you spend your money on personal growth, learning a new skill, traveling, then those things will make you happier. But if you spend your money on, like, things or possessions, a bigger house, a bigger car, that's not going to make you happier forever.