The Relationship Therapist: "This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce!", "Men Should Not Split The Bill", "80% Of Women Want Men Over 6ft When Only 15% Are 6ft!"

Steven Bartlett (0:00)

Some of the studies I was looking at shows that if you get married after 30, each additional year of age increases your chance of divorce by 5%. I couldn't figure out why.

Lori Gottlieb (0:10)

Oh, I think there are several reasons for this.

SPEAKER_3 (0:12)

So first of all, Lori Gottlieb, renowned psychotherapist, Besseline Ortho, couples counselor, who helps thousands of people find or save their relationships.

Lori Gottlieb (0:21)

People use the first date as I'm supposed to feel this one thing or else forget it, and people will come into therapy and say, I didn't feel like butterflies. So I'm not going to go out with him again. People said they wouldn't go on a second date with somebody because he ordered tap water. He must be really cheap. There was one where somebody said, oh, he did this impression from Austin Powers. Yeah, baby. He was just nervous. He was trying to make you laugh.

Steven Bartlett (0:44)

What about he asks to split the bill? Would that be an itch?

Lori Gottlieb (0:47)

If he doesn't pay, that would be a huge itch for me.

Steven Bartlett (0:51)

Really?

Lori Gottlieb (0:52)

But it's really important to understand why, which is-

Steven Bartlett (0:55)

Interesting.

Lori Gottlieb (0:56)

Now your partner has to be your best friend, have the same interests, he has to rock my world and better. Someone who's really ambitious, but also really family-oriented. No one human could possibly do that. If you look at what are the most important things that would predict whether a relationship is going to last, it is really important. **** are very important. And then emotional **** is really important.

Steven Bartlett (1:18)

What does that mean?

Lori Gottlieb (1:19)

It means-

Steven Bartlett (1:21)

You went to therapy because of heartbreak.

Lori Gottlieb (1:22)

Yes.

Steven Bartlett (1:23)

How do we navigate through that dark cloud?

Lori Gottlieb (1:25)

One strategy that might be helpful is-

Steven Bartlett (1:38)

Lori, if you had to summarize what it is you have done for people over the last couple of decades, how would you summarize that?

Lori Gottlieb (1:49)

I would say that I help people to learn what gets in their way from living the life that they want to live.

Steven Bartlett (1:55)

And what departments of their life do you tend to focus on?

Lori Gottlieb (1:58)

All of them. They're all so important. But I think it's really about people's relationships. And I mean, relationship to self. What is going on with the way that I talk to myself, the way that I make decisions and choices, the way that I hold myself back. Relationships with friends, with romantic partners, with family members, with professional colleagues. All of it.

Steven Bartlett (2:21)

And of all of those subcategories, what are the categories within there that people come to you advice for most often? Through your podcasts, through your articles, through your therapy work?

Lori Gottlieb (2:32)

Well, it's interesting because it's usually somebody coming in and saying, I really want something in my life to change. And what they want to change is someone else. Right? And so I think what they're surprised to find is that, yes, there are difficult people in their lives. You know, we like to say that before diagnosing someone with depression, make sure they aren't surrounded by assholes.

So, you know, there are really difficult people out there. But the question is, where's your agency? What are the choices that you're making? Are you setting boundaries with these people? Are you adding to the tension between the two of you because you're kind of in a dance and you're doing some old pattern that you're in with this person? So I think it's really important to become self-aware and say, what am I doing in the world that gets me closer to the way that I want to live? And what am I doing in the world that keeps me from getting there?

Steven Bartlett (3:27)

And since you got into this line of work and since your sort of education in this area began, what changes have you seen in the types of questions and the types of issues that are being presented to you in a sort of clinical setting or online or through your DMs, etc.?

Lori Gottlieb (3:41)

I think most people are really seeking connection of some sort that they don't have in their lives. And there's a sense of being alone, whether it's I'm the only person who feels this way, I'm so ashamed, I don't know why, I'm so anxious or I'm so depressed, or it's a feeling of I feel like I have all these sort of friends kind of peripherally or friends in the world, if you look at their social media, but they don't really have someone that they could call and say, I really need to talk to you about this. Who's this person you can confide in? There are these studies that have been done where they looked at several decades ago, how many people said, I have someone close that I can call. And most people had at least someone, usually a few people. Now, most people have zero people. They have said zero. I have nobody that I can call and confide in, in that deep way.