The Psychology of Healthy Relationships | Dr Thema Bryant

Michael Gervais (0:00)

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Thema Bryant (1:12)

From your past dating relationships, pull the wisdom out of the wounds. Look at yourself. Is there any way that I contribute it to the problem? And then I can bring that wisdom and that lived experience so like I know I would do things differently.

Michael Gervais (1:27)

Dr. Thema Bryant, former president of the American Psychological Association, Director of the Culture and Trauma Research Laboratory and author of Matters of the Heart, Healing Your Relationship with Yourself and Those You Love.

Thema Bryant (1:40)

A professor of psychology at Pepperdine University and is the host of the popular The Homecoming Podcast.

Michael Gervais (1:45)

What do people maybe misunderstand about the importance of investing in yourself so that you can have great relationships with others?

Thema Bryant (1:54)

You can keep doing what you've been doing and achieving what you've been achieving, but you are worthy of the joy that comes from fully being entombed with yourself. And I want to invite you to not neglect yourself and not erase yourself.

Michael Gervais (2:11)

So once trauma happens, how does that impact our relationships with others?

Thema Bryant (2:15)

Trauma often creates shame. And so then when people are living with shame, they often shrink. This gets to relationships. It can shift our expectations.

So you can believe that this is what love looks like. They love me and they beat me, or they love me and they did these other things to me.

Michael Gervais (2:36)

What do healthy relationships look like?

Thema Bryant (2:40)

Healthy relationships are authentic. For your folks who are watching who aren't yet married, but maybe want to be married, when you're dating, they must pay attention to...

Michael Gervais (2:57)

First of all, I'm so excited to sit with you because you hold a space about relationships that's really important for me, for our community. And so thank you for all your research and your commitment to really understanding how relationships work. So thank you for being here.

Thema Bryant (3:14)

Oh, you are welcome. And thank you so much for having me and cultivating this space and this dynamic audience.

Michael Gervais (3:21)

Yeah, I wish that we had more live experiences so that we could hear from them. And when we do have them, like the questions are on point. All right. Leading question here. You have spent much of your professional life understanding how relationships work.

What makes them, what breaks them. What do you hope people will learn from this conversation today?

Thema Bryant (3:43)

That one of the biggest predictors of their wellness, their mental state, will be their relationships.

We often think it's our accomplishments, our achievements, our degree, our bank account, our home, all of those things. But what really shapes your life are the people you spend the time with. And it can make it or break it.

Michael Gervais (4:05)

Yeah. Is the bulk of your research or the bulk of that finding from the Longevity Study at Harvard or is it from other resources as well?

Thema Bryant (4:13)

Right. Other resources as well. A big part of my work is also with trauma survivors.

And so when people are going through hard life events, whether we think about death or grief or loss or a medical issue, it makes a difference if you're going through it by yourself or if you feel like you have a dream team of sorts, not just like a medical dream team, but like family and friends that are processing it with you. I also work with trauma survivors in terms of people who have experienced interpersonal trauma like community violence, gun violence, assault, domestic violence, really hard things.