The Piece You've Been Missing

Dr. Lindsay Emmerson (0:02)

Hey, Amazing Parents, and welcome to the Parenting With Psychology podcast. I'm Dr. Lindsay Emmerson, psychologist and mom of four. Let's dive into practical tips to confidently parent children age to 18

There's only one way to get the family you want, and you have to parent using reasoned rules. Give your kid the rule and the reason for that rule in the same sentence. It costs you one extra breath, and it is a complete game changer.

It doesn't matter if you lean strict or you lean soft. A rule with no reason behind it is just noise with your voice on it. And trust me, your kid has already learned to wait it out. So say both, not hold my hand. Instead, we hold hands in the parking lot because cars can't always see small kids, and I want to keep you safe. One sentence and your four-year-old's hand is in yours. Kids don't follow rules, they follow reasons.

So tonight, the next rule out of your mouth, add the reason, the same breath, then stop talking. That's Parenting With Reasoned Rules, and you will feel the difference immediately. This philosophy has given me so much more confidence in my parenting. Understanding this essential concept of Reasoned Rules gave me a commitment to this practice. And having that commitment, having that plan in place to use Reasoned Rules, gave me confidence during every challenging parenting moment. Now, this idea of using Reasoned Rules comes from psychology research. 60 years of very convincing research showing that there is a parenting style that leads to the best outcomes for kids. Not only does it make your life easier when your kids actually learn to follow your rules the first time you say them, but it actually has much better outcomes for kids in the long run.

The parenting style that you are seeking is called authoritative parenting. It's a mouthful. I don't love that term, so I just substitute it for amazing parenting. Now, this needs to be your number one goal to use this parenting style. It's not meaning that you're a flawless June Cleaver perfect parent.

All it means is that you're seeking to find that right balance between warmth and structure. And that's exactly what Reasoned Rules allows you to do. Here's how this shows up consistently in your home by using Reasoned Rules. So we're shooting for that authoritative or amazing parenting style, and we'll come back to that in a moment. But first, we need to touch on two other styles that have probably been showing up in your home. The first style is permissive parenting, and this is the friend trap. This is what happens when gentle parenting isn't working, because all you know to do is the gentle part, right? The warmth and the support. But warmth without structure behind it isn't effective. You probably got into this situation because no feels like risking the relationship with your child, and you worry that when you say no to them, they're going to be upset and that's going to harm the relationship. So when they want a new toy, you say yes. When they want dessert before dinner, you say yes. When they want more video game time, you say yes. When they want to push bedtime back, you say yes because you're worried that no will create a relationship that means they're not going to want to hang out with you in 10, 20 years when they actually have a choice. When we think about this from a reasoned rules perspective, you're not skipping the reason. You've given it five times. What's missing is the rule. If you're not convinced that the rule is right, you won't hold it. So one, but mom, and then it's gone. And that's not gentle parenting. That's a rule that you didn't believe in.

So what's the cost of this when you fall into this permissive parenting trap? The cost is a child who struggles to regulate themselves. They can't take no from anyone else because they haven't heard it enough at home and been able to process that and manage that discomfort that comes with hearing no. Not all the time, but sometimes. So here's how you solve this problem. Use reasoned rules. Find a reason you believe in, say it once, and then hold it. The reason lets you hold the line without feeling mean and without feeling like it's going to jeopardize the relationship. So no dessert before dinner becomes healthy food first, and then we have dessert if we're still hungry. Or maybe in your family, it's just one cookie before dinner and more after if you're still hungry. It doesn't matter what your rule is as long as you believe in it. If you believe that your child needs to eat some vegetables and some protein before they have dessert, then you're going to enforce that rule. So when you have a reason for your rule, you will then be able to consistently hold firm on the rule. Okay, so now let's talk about the second style. So what happens is when the permissive or gentle approach isn't working for you, you swing the other way into the authoritarian parenting style, which you can think of as the obedience trap. This is where your child's not listening even though you've explained the rule in detail five times. So now you start yelling it, because I said so and you can even hear your mother's voice may be the way she used to say things to you, and you can hear coming out of your mouth and thinking, I never wanted to parent this way.