The four steps to hearing hard feedback gracefully | Chris Wheatley

Modupe Akinola (0:00)

Recently, I was talking to somebody about a frustration they had with their best friend. And it wasn't even a big deal. It was something small, something a little bit personal, even embarrassing, that got in the way of them being relaxed around one another. But the person I was talking to didn't know how this feedback would be received. I think we would all like to believe that we are receptive to feedback. No one wants to think that information would be withheld from them because of their perceived sensitivity or defensiveness. But how we want to act when we're faced with feedback and how we actually respond, those can be two very different stories.

I'm Modupe Akinola. This is TED Business, a podcast from TED. Our speaker today is leadership expert Chris Wheatley. And he's here to tell us that we all have a thing. You know, a thing.

A thing we might not be aware of, but other people certainly are. And one day, they might call you out on it. To be clear, this kind of feedback can be so good.

It makes you better at showing up in your personal and professional relationships. But it can be tough to hear, too. In this talk, Chris provides a game plan for embracing the feedback that can change your life. And he also really made me laugh in the process. Then, after the talk, I'll share what siblings are for. But first, a quick break.

And now, Chris Wheatley takes the TED stage.

Chris Wheatley (1:40)

One of the most important lessons that I had to learn in my life is that when it comes to our growth and development, there is no substitute for a tough piece of feedback from someone who cares about us. And when we can make it safe enough for the people in our lives to tell us those hard things, it not only benefits us, it can spark transformation in our workplaces and in our families. And I learned this lesson the way that I learned most things, which is the hard way. And it was when I got a tough piece of feedback from my best friend at work, Christy. So I met Christy years ago when I left the only organization I had ever worked for, to start over at a new company. And I was freaking out. And Christy was this incredibly kind and welcoming person, who just really went out of her way to help me be successful. And we became fast friends. And then one day we got into an argument. Not uncommon for us. We're both pretty stubborn and opinionated people. And we resolved it. And I thought everything was fine. But she had a very different reaction. And the next day she came in and she gave me this feedback. And I'll never forget it. She said, It just seemed like while we were arguing, that you needed me to feel stupid.

And if you've ever had somebody make you feel that way, you know it's awful. So here's my best friend at work, somebody that I care about. She's told me that I've hurt her. And so of course, my immediate reaction is I get very defensive. So I remember running through all of this in my head, right? Like, how could you say that? That's completely unfair. I would never think that about you. And then I just listing off all the reasons that she was wrong.

Now, thankfully, I didn't see any of that out loud. And all I could think to say in the moment was, thank you for telling me. And I meant it because she could have done so many other things, right? She could have gossiped about me behind my back. She could have gone to our boss and complained about me. She could have done what I probably would have done, which is just silently resented me and not said anything. But she had the courage to come and talk to me.

And the truth is, I've gotten this feedback before. And the feedback is that when I'm not at my best, I come across as arrogant, condescending, self-righteous, and a know-it-all, which is a really nice combination and a great way to make friends if you're interested.

It's the thing in my life I am most embarrassed about and oftentimes ashamed of. And so I'm telling this to Christine. I say, I know I do this, and I'm sorry. I don't want to, but I can't hear myself when I'm doing it. Can you help me? And she says, Sure, I'll just tell you when you're doing it.

Not like that. I meant, do you have a book I could read or like, I don't know, like a training or something like that that I could take? You know, fix this. And she said, Well, how about this? I'll just say, you're doing your thing.